Dear Dr. Gail: I am a 20-something man with a promising career. I have been giving serious thought to settling down and starting a family. Unfortunately, I have a rather large problem: my mother. When I was a teenager she suffered through a terrible bout of depression, and it took her 10 years to get to a point where she could work and live a semi-normal life. Being an only child whose father is deceased, the burden of caring for her naturally fell on me. And I have done my best. When she got out of the hospital, she sold her house and moved in with me. At the time, I didn’t mind since this let me monitor her health.
But now that she is recovered to the point where she can look after herself, she does not want to become independent and let me carry on with my life. I have put dating on hold, because you just can’t make “I’m living with my Mom” sound good to potential mates. It takes a lot of explaining, and there is also the issue of a wife wanting to be the main woman in my life, which she rightly should be.
Other than going to work, my Mom doesn’t want to leave the house unless I go with her. I must monitor her bills, as she is forgetful and doesn’t pay them on time. She is energetic and capable at work, yet at home she lies in bed looking at the ceiling. Since she doesn’t get any exercise, her cardiovascular health is degenerating. She has hypertension and diabetes.
I have had numerous talks with her about this, and have tried to make her understand how important it is to me to start a family. I tell her that I would like her to be around to see her grandchildren. She either ignores or makes light of my remarks. I have even tried to enlist my extended family to help. Despite the fact her own brothers are doctors, she refuses to listen. I would appreciate some advice on how to deal with my Mom. I have not been able to attain a serious relationship with any woman in the past four years, despite a number of initially willing candidates. –- The Good Son
Dear Son: Depression is a debilitating illness, and it’s unfortunate your mother has suffered from it. It also sounds that she is blessed with a terrific son. You have gone above and beyond the call of duty to get your mother back on her feet. Still, it’s entirely reasonable that you don’t want to sacrifice your own life because of your mother’s illness. If you wish for a wife and family of your own, you are entitled to pursue that.
As you know, these are important years for forming a relationship. If you don’t start making changes now, time and happenstance might well turn you into a 50-something man who has never had any personal life beyond caring for his mother.While you have been enormously helpful to your mother, you have also, without meaning to, enabled her not to take further steps toward independence — and have allowed her to hinder your own life goals. You know that attempting discussion hasn’t been effective. So you must take action, whether your mother likes it or not. If you don’t, you could end up resenting and blaming her.
I am not suggesting you “abandon” your mother. But there are ways to help her become more independent while making sure she knows you love her and are still there for her. I suggest you accompany your mother to her psychiatrist or doctor. This way, you can really understand what she has the capacity to do. You can also discuss reasonable options and get referrals for services available. Looking to your relatives isn’t helpful — they are too emotionally involved to make the best decisions. A professional’s help will also fortify you to follow through.
You may also want to find out if she is being treated appropriately for her depression. Her listlessness might be due to inadequate treatment. Her passivity might be characterologic, meaning that she has a very dependent personality and resists becoming more independent. Some people do need plenty of supervision, along with medical care.
There are ways to deal with this. For example, if your mother cannot pay her own bills or go out alone, you could hire someone. It’s common for ill or elderly people to hire others to help them with the tasks of daily living, until they reach the point they must enter an assisted-living facility. That’s another option for you. Currently, your home is your mother’s assisted-living facility!
Or you could rent her an apartment nearby. If she won’t move, keep her in your home and move yourself. In other words, stop acquiescing to your mother’s wishes. You need to set boundaries and enforce them. But you can also do this in a loving way — reassure your mother you will phone her every morning, visit every day, take her grocery shopping weekly, or whatever else is important to her.
No doubt your mother is used to the status quo, which is more comfortable and less scary for her than any alternative. And it’s true that a health crisis often leads to a parent-child role-reversal, where sons or daughters care for their parents. But the role-reversal shouldn’t be endless, especially if it is preventing you from living your life.
Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: Don’t let a parent’s illness rule your life. With the help of professionals, determine options — such as part-time help — that are reasonable for both of you.
