Janis Spindel, a professional matchmaker, offers advice for women looking for a man in “How to Date Men: Dating Secrets from America’s Top Matchmaker.” It's a sort of dos-and-don'ts and things-you-probably-don't-know guide. Here's an excerpt:
Introduction
Ladies, I’ve got news for you — if you’re still single and frustrated about it, it means one of two things:
1. You’re super-pickyOR
2. You’re doing something wrong.
Let me guess: You tell people that you’re super-picky, right? But you know as well as I do that you’re probably doing something wrong.
Well, it’s time to start doing things the right way. And for those of you are still in denial, remember this; If you truly are the pickiest person in the world (which I seriously doubt), then that’s all the more reason to make sure you’re doing everything the right way. I mean, you don’t want to blow your one-in-a-million chance when the right guy finally does come along!
You’ve obviously realized by now that the hardest part about dating is trying to figure out what’s going on inside a man’s head — most of time, women are beyond clueless.
Women almost always express their thoughts and emotions better than men. Which means that guys generally have a good sense of what women are after — someone who’s smart, loyal and has a great sense of humor.
If men talked about their feelings as much as women do, then dating would be easy. But we all know there’s not a chance in China that’s going to happen. So how do you find out what men really want if they don’t tell you?
You can ask your girlfriends what he really meant when he said he had “a nice time” with you and whether the third date is too soon to have sex. But your girlfriends will say what they think you want to hear because they don’t want to hurt your feelings. And besides, when they answer your questions, they’re guessing. They don’t have the real answers.
But I do. And they’re all in this book.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: Um, Janis, why should I trust you?! You’re not a guy!
You’re right! I’m not a guy. But I am a professional matchmaker. In 1993 I formed my own company, Janis Spindel Serious Matchmaking, Inc., to help bring ambitious, time-starved singles together. I knew I had the uncanny knack for adjusting cupid's arrow because prior to going professional 14 different couples I introduced in one year ALL ended up getting married!
What separates me from other matchmakers out there is that I have clairvoyant premonitions about people. I know that sounds really weird, but there’s no other way to explain it. I just have a sixth sense about matchmaking. I help facilitate love. I turn first dates into second dates, second dates into third dates, and third dates into marriage proposals.
Most importantly, all of my clients are men. My entire business is about understanding what men want in a relationship. Obviously, not all men are the same. But I hear an awful lot of the same things over and over again. And I’ll tell you one thing: men are picky! When one of my setups doesn’t work out, 90 percent of the time it’s because the guy isn’t interested in or attracted to the woman. Sorry, ladies, that’s the reality.
Luckily for you, though, I’ve helped to create over 750 marriages in my 13 years of professional matchmaking, so, all modesty aside, I’m confident that I know what I’m talking about.
The big pictureNow that you know my credentials, let’s talk about you. The goal of this book is NOT to change you into someone else so that you can meet more men. Believe me ... guys don’t want that! In fact, the number one complaint I hear from my clients is that they hate women who seem to be one thing during the first few dates and then suddenly change into someone else later in the relationship.
What I want to do with this book is educate you about what men are looking for so that your own dating life will be more successful. I’m going to do this in two ways:
1. I’m going to give you the answers to all those questions you have about what guys are thinking, such as, “If he paid for the first date should I pay for the second one?” or “Do I need to watch the NFL playoffs with him?” or “Is he expecting sex on his birthday ... and if so, how much?”
2. I’m going to point out all the ways in which you’ve probably been doing things wrong up to this point in your dating life. You may think you know what makes men tick, but you don’t ... at least, not yet.
The good news is that the one thing all men are definitely looking for is something that you can have: confidence. Confidence is the true aphrodisiac for men — it really turns them on. If you’re happy with who you are, then he will be too. I always tell people that I can bring a horse to water, but I can’t make him drink. At the end of the day, I can set people up, but the falling in love is up to you.
Excerpted from "How to Date Men" by Janis Spindel. Copyright 2007. Reprinted by permission of Penguin Books. All rights reserved.