When a romance ends, it often times signifies the end of many meaningful friendships. We've all seen couples’ friends and family members take sides and divide along party lines. But does it always have to be that way? Dr. Gail Saltz, a psychiatrist and “Today” contributor, was invited on the show to talk about whether you can still hold to relationships with your ex’s friends and relatives.
Just because you and your partner break up, does it mean you have to lose the other cherished relationships that came with it? The answer is … maybe.
One of the more painful parts of splitting up can be realizing that the very people you want to turn to for support, for a shoulder to cry on, or for help filling up your vacant time, may be someone who “belongs” to your ex. Whether she is your ex’s friend or relative, it’s terrible to feel that you’re also losing someone you like or care about.
So you wonder, why can’t I keep them?
The problem is that staying in touch with people who are closely connected to your ex is likely to keep you involved and enmeshed in his life. This is a problem, especially if your split-up is acrimonious, as so many of them are. Even after many years, your anger can linger. This can make you wish that your ex is suffering as much as you are. And having a mutual friend, lets you keep tabs on how he’s doing. So you tend to stay wrapped up in the drama of your breakup, making it more difficult for you to move on. And your ex is likely to feel angry that you are trying to “take” his friends. This may make him want to retaliate in some way.
Staying involved with his family can be more gratifying, if you’re raising children. But this can be more distressing to your ex, if he feels a sense of ownership of his family. He may feel hurt and betrayed that your “fraternizing” with his relatives.
Of course, the big question is why you want to stay connected. Too often it is an attempt to either hold onto your ex or a wish to torture him by making him feel envious and insecure. Neither motive helps you move on, heal, and find someone else. It is easy to lie — even to yourself — about your true motivations.
So if you want to maintain a friendship with your ex’s friends and relatives, here are a few stops you should take:
- Ask yourself why? And be honest about it.
- Do not make his friends or family members choose sides.
- If you have children with your ex, focus on them and not his family.
- Never discuss your ex.
- Periodically re-evaluate your relationships, to see if they’re constructive or destructive.
left/msnbc/Components/Photos/060406/060406_anatomy_vmed_2p.jpg2658100000left#000000http://msnbcmedia.msn.com1PfalsefalseDr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to “Today.” Her latest book is “Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie,” by Dr. Gail Saltz. She is also the author of "Amazing You! Getting Smart About Your Private Parts," which helps parents deal with preschoolers' questions about sex and reproduction. Her first book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was published in 2004 by Riverhead Books. It is now available in a paperback version. For more information, you can visit her Web site, www.drgailsaltz.com.