Need a quick answer to a relationship dilemma? Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle cuts through the fluff with her relationship advice in TODAY.com’s “30-second therapist” series.
Q:I am a curvy girl, size 12. My online dating profile says I'm curvy, and my pictures show that. I am active and I have big boobs and big hips. I'm not fat, but I'm not skinny or slender or average. I find that the men I meet don't know what they want. In fact, they've been very rude to me, some actually telling me to lose weight. Will I ever be able to find love? —Curvy Girl Needs Love
Dear Curvy,
Visualize “curvy” as a gorgeous woman such as Kate Upton, Queen Latifah, or someone else. While this word apparently elicits “fat” for some men, describe your body type to males using one of these women’s names.
When I was in college, I gained—then lost—20 pounds. Two years later, I bumped into a guy I had dated earlier, who said my body had become much too thin! So, girlfriend, thin is not appealing to all men. Today, the dress size of the average American woman is 14—which actually makes you underweight by such standards! It’s all in your packaging. Think of yourself as beautiful, and you’ll project yourself as beautiful—and attract a man who finds your curves delicious. —Dr. Gilda
Q: I have been married for 24 years, most of which were unsatisfying due to my husband’s grumpy attitude. We have argued most of our married life. In 2007, I had an affair with a family friend. He was positive, motivational, charming and he made me laugh — all the things my husband lacked. I ended it one year later. My husband doesn’t know this happened, but suspected it.
A year later, I found out my husband started an affair with an old high school flame. I found out by looking at his text messages and phone bill. I am devastated. He has done everything I have requested, but he’s not very patient with me when I’m feeling insecure and want to talk about it. He says he’s tired of re-living it. Bottom line: he got caught and I did not (yet). After all the pain his affair caused me, I certainly don’t want to hurt him like that. I know I cheated too, but I just can’t get over his cheating. Any advice? —Unhappy
Dear Unhappy,
You and hubby argued for nearly a quarter century, which you blame on his “grumpy attitude,” but on nothing you did. Each of you medicated your malaise with extramarital sex. You’re upset by his transgression because it magnifies your insignificance in this marriage. To empower yourself, you harangue hubby, and his irate reaction proves he cares. The condition of “irritable male syndrome” increases with a man’s age, so your provocation will increasingly get the attention you crave.
My Gilda-Gram™ warns, “Cheating is an artificial cop-out to avoid the truth.” Get the truth in therapy so you’ll quit feeling the need to elevate your relevance. —Dr. Gilda
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Dr. Gilda Carle is the relationship expert to the stars. She is a professor emerita, has written 15 books, and her latest is “Don’t Bet on the Prince!”—Second Edition. She provides advice and coaching via Skype, email and phone.