I received hundreds of replies to “My boyfriend has no ambition,” in which I advised a girl on what to do about her unmotivated partner. Here’s a sampling of your reactions:
— I know exactly how she feels. My ex-boyfriend was the same way. It upset me that he had so many talents and was completely wasting them all. He was so great with fixing and repairing things. He would fix cars, build things from scratch, cut hair, anything that had to do with working with his hands. He would complain about not having a job, or how hard it was for him to stay employed.
I would often say he should go to school or look into developing his skills and it would turn into a debate about how he doesn't have the money or time. Year after year, there was always some excuse as to why he couldn't or shouldn't better himself.
I got pretty fed up. That’s when I realized that you can want the best for someone and can want so bad for a person to change but they have to want it for themselves first. If they do it because of you or because you push them, it won't be long before they'll blame you for making them do something that was never really in them in the first place. We all want the best for the ones we love, but you have to see them for what they are, and not for what you want them to be. That was the hardest lesson. — Cleveland, Ohio
— After 32 years of marriage, I can say my husband wishes he were more driven, but he's not. He is extremely talented, but is content to let me be the powerhouse in the couple. I love him and have decided if it never changes, I am committed to him. I sort of am the "executive" and he plays the support role and takes good care of me and everything else. He is extremely witty, funny, artsy and romantic. I could have had a different life if I had married someone who was driven like me, but I chose this one and it works most of the time. — Idaho
— I have a similar problem, but I’m already married. We met in college and I now have a great job and he is in a dead-end job making significantly less. I applied myself in school and he always left things for the last minute and came to me for my notes. He did well considering the fact that he didn't really apply himself. This makes me wonder how incredible he could have been if he had applied himself. He has always been very shy, laid-back and reserved so he never bothered trying to make contacts or networking.
He makes little money but works hard because he runs a small company for his boss. This is putting a strain on our marriage because he has been stuck in that job for 11 years and is not making any moves to find something better. He is overqualified, so much that he feels he is now too far behind to make a transition to something better.
I push him to make a move but then we just get into arguments because he says he doesn't know what he wants to do. He blames me and his parents for his being in that dead-end job to begin with, because he says we pushed him to quickly find a job after graduation. I am tired of trying to encourage him, and I am tired of moving forward and succeeding in my career while he continues to get taken advantage of. We also have a baby daughter and I am afraid of the message he will be sending her when she sees that her father has given up on his dreams and ambition and just lets life pass by. — Unspecified location
— I was hoping you would point out one silver lining: The boyfriend's laid-back attitude might be the aspect of his personality that lets her maintain an aggressive, goal-oriented lifestyle. If her goals require her to travel, work long hours or move frequently, his lack of ambition could very well keep him flexible enough to commit to the roller-coaster lifestyle she could be leading in the next years. I'm not saying that a difference of life perspective might not cause conflict, but it could also be the very thing makes a relationship work. — Denver
— I think that you have forgotten an important factor. Young people need to explore to find who they are and they need to have a support and freedom to do so. Why not let life do what life does on its own? — Anchorage, Alaska
— Believe me when I say this will be a point of frustration. I’ve been married to such a man. He did finally get a job and supports us but it's because someone came to him and offered the job. He didn't go out and get it. He has never tried to get a better job, so we just squeak along on what he makes. He knows I get tired of waiting for him to do something and end up doing it myself, so he just waits me out. His famous saying is “That’s just one less thing I have to do.” He spends his free time channel-surfing to the point the buttons on the remote are nearly worn down.
I've been a stay-at-home mom who finds ways to make extra money at home. To be honest, I'm sick of his “do it for me” attitude. If it weren't for the children and a lack of skills that would support us, I wouldn't stay. You will live to regret it if you marry this man. He's a dreamer, not a doer. They are charming, wonderful friends, but lousy mates. — Unspecified location
— Break up now! I am 16 years into a marriage with a similar man. We have two children. I can tell you from experience that if you want to relish life and live your dreams, you cannot be happy married to a person who is an observer of life. It is not a partnership. My life is all about “kick the ball and drag my husband.” It is frustrating and lonely. He is not a bad person, but he was clearly not the right person for me. — Minnesota
— Why is it time and time again women push men to make money? Women should start looking to themselves to make the money they want. You never see men writing into advice columns asking why their girlfriend is not driven to make money so they can stay home and be a house-husband.
Success is relative. My girlfriend broke up with me because my ambition is to be a teacher and that would not make enough money for her to have the finer things in life. So she blamed me for not being ambitious. I blamed her for being materialistic and shallow. Don’t change your man! Change whom you date! — California
Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to TODAY. Her latest book is “Anatomy of a Secret Life: The Psychology of Living a Lie.” She is also the author of “Amazing You! Getting Smart About Your Private Parts,” which helps parents deal with preschoolers’ questions about sex and reproduction. Her first book, “Becoming Real: Overcoming the Stories We Tell Ourselves That Hold Us Back,” was published in 2004 by Riverhead Books. It is now available in a paperback version. For more information, you can visit her Web site, .