Q: I am divorced ten years. I have yet to meet "the one" and I wonder if it is because of my extra 35 pounds. I am very self-conscious about it. I feel that because of the extra weight, I’m unworthy of love. I am financially secure, I own a new home, I have a fabulous job, and I have great co-workers, friends and family. I had one relationship that lasted four years—a poor choice on my part with his marijuana use, financial problems, and his leaving me for another woman. Recently, I dated a guy with a criminal record and no retirement plan, savings account, or vehicle. Do I have to be in top shape to have a relationship? Am I picking the wrong guys because I don't feel I can attract the guys I want? How can I stop my self-defeating behavior? —Miserable Misfit
Anyone who feels “unworthy of love” will attract partners who are themselves unworthy! There’s nobody out there, Girl, but us! Plenty of overweight singles find love, so it’s not your adipose connective tissue that’s standing in your way. Your problem is that you believe you’re unlovable as you are.
You have a lot of great things going for you, but you accentuate your blemishes. Get counseling. And try the self-assessments in my book, “Don’t Bet on the Prince!” When you bet on yourself as attractive and love-worthy, no matter what your girth, appropriate men will be interested. —Dr. Gilda
Q: My old-fashioned family does not like my girlfriend because she’s a different race. This girl has a few flaws, but nothing that can’t be changed. I really love her, but I'm faced with the choice to stay with her and be cut off from my family, with little money and much struggle to live, or to leave her, stay with my family, have money, and marry a girl from the same race. I asked my girlfriend for a break to think about this. She has been calling and texting me, crying for us to get back together. I can tell she really loves me, but is it enough to throw my future away for her? —Between Two Cultures
You just answered your own question, Dude! By suggesting you’d have to throw your “future away for her,” you’ve said how you really feel about this girl, therefore making hollow your declaration of love. To you, she’s a garbage disposal for the entitled life you fear you’ll lose.
Whether you’re with this woman or another, your arrogance will cripple ANY relationship. Already, you’re scrutinizing this chick for her “few flaws” that “are nothing that can’t be changed.” By you, Buster? You may be able to “tell she really loves” you, but what about YOUR capacity to love anyone or anything beyond the posh and pampered life your family provides? Man up! While you’re deeply committed to your clan’s mollycoddling, you won’t have the commitment to love a woman. —Dr. Gilda
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Dr. Gilda Carle is the relationship expert to the stars. She is a professor at New York’s Mercy College and has written 15 books; her latest is “Don’t Bet on the Prince!”