Ah, "Dancing With the Stars": Television's elegant respite from the more puerile reality TV options. It's the prime-time place for sweeping dances, sequined gowns, seasoned pros and ... potty talk?
That's right! On Monday night's episode of the ballroom bash, the judges swapped their usual classy comments (well, at least not-so-crass comments) for some really uncultured criticism.
The restroom-worthy remarks kicked off right after Jacoby Jones delivered the very first Latin Night dance -- a sensible salsa.
The Ravens wide receiver hit the floor with slightly poor posture thanks to his towering height, but had great hip motion and smooth turns.
The judges loved the dance, giving it a total of 27 points. But one of them had an unfortunate way with words.
"It's like you can fart the salsa!" Carrie Ann Inaba raved. "I mean, it's so in your body. That's all I can think of: 'Man, that guy's farting salsa.' ... The salsa doesn't need that much technique; it needs flava. So you had the right flavor fart."
Carrie Ann actually managed to leave always-on host Tom Bergeron speechless with that critique.
But she wasn't the only judge to go lavatory-low when looking for a way to sum up the dance-floor action.
After "Bachelor" Sean Lowe took the stage for a rumba that packed more rear action than romance, Bruno Tonioli could think of only one thing.
"Sometimes your bum stuck out," Bruno remarked. "It looked like you were going to the toilet."
Ouch! And ick!
Despite that review, Bruno enjoyed the dance he dubbed "50 Shades of Sean," and like his fellow panelists, gave it an 8.
From there on, the judges seemed to find more helpful -- or maybe just less graphic -- ways to describe the routines.
For instance, Len said Kellie Pickler's 29-point samba had "the how of the technique and the wow of performance."
And Aly Raisman's 29-point dance? Why, her hip-shaking salsa was an "uplifting tutti-frutti cocktail of delicious flavors," according to Bruno -- far better than the flavor Carrie Ann went on about earlier.
Zendaya impressed the panel, as she usually does, with a 27-point flamenco-infused paso doble that had Bruno comparing her looks to an angel and her steps to a fury.
Len even sort of liked Ingo Rademacher's rumba, despite the soap star's stuttered steps.
"This is a really difficult dance," he said. "Overall, I thought it was good, not great."
Andy Dick's rumba earned a round of constructive criticism too -- though none of it was particularly kind.
Len thought it was "more erratic than erotic," and Carrie Ann urged the struggling fan favorite to show some consistency. As for Bruno, he didn't resort to the toilet talk again, but he still flushed the comedian's good mood right down the drain.
"You've taken an unforgettable, classic dance," Bruno began, referring to the Gene Kelly and Cyd Charisse number from "Singing in the Rain" that inspired Andy's effort. "Now I wish I could forget it."
The dance earned Andy only 17 points -- a score he failed to improve in the dance-off rounds that closed the show.
In a cha-cha battle, Aly earned three extra points by beating Andy. The rumba round saw Ingo best Sean for three more points of his own. And when Zendaya and Jacoby faced off for the jive, the Disney star took the bonus.
Kellie didn't even have to participate in the dance-offs. With the highest accumulated score in the competition so far, she won a rare treat -- immunity.
See how the others fare when viewer votes are added to the mix on Tuesday night's results show.
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