Jerry Falwell Dead at 73: President Bush Declares National Day of Mourning for Beloved McJesus Taliban Huckster

Published: May 15, 2007, 7:27 pm

Tags: 2007

THE PRESIDENT: Earlier today, Laura and me was deeply saddened to learn that the Reverend Dr. Jerry Falwell has passed on. (Wipes Tear from Eye.) Yes, apparently Jerry died shortly after breakfast this morning. Unfortunately, he broke with his usual routine and ordered a puny little short stack of Pat Robertson's death-defying protein pancakes – and well... they just weren't enough... (Sniffs.) to keep Jerry's bacon-clogged ticker going... (Sobs.) As hard as this news may be to handle, I want America's evangelickers to take some small comfort in knowing that Rev. Falwell's body remains here on earth. No, the rest of us have not been "Left Behind". Believe you me, if there was a rapture, Jerry would have been as visible as a hot air balloon on the horizon. Well, I'm told that not only was Jerry's bloated corpse found fully clothed in his office, but that the force of its impact shattered a half-ton Louis XIV desk into literally millions of Godly splinters. As you

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