TODAY | January 27, 2014
>>> with valentine's day heading this way, it has many of us thinking about love and romance.
>> but lasting relationships aren't built on chocolate and roses but it helps on occasion. it takes a lot of work. as steve farrell's character points out.
>> i loved her through the birth of my three perfect children. i have loved her even when i've hated her. only married couples will understand that one. i can promise you this, i will never stop trying because when you find the one, you never give up.
>> all right, so how do you make sure you love the one you're with and not the one you take for granted? the oprah magazine covers this topic in its latest issue. jahon thompson is the editor at "o "magazine and ben michaels is the author of "your next big thing".
>> you mean ben mikeless, don't you?
>> what did i say, ben michaels? a relationship is not always easy, it takes work. you think once the romance is gone, the relationship is dead. that's not the case.
>> we we have to put a lot in, a lot of time, a lot of effort, a lot of self-exploration as well.
>> why does that come as a surprise to people, ben in.
>> people don't realize when you're choosing to be with someone, you're choosing to be with the person and who they're becoming. as you change in life, a lot of effort is required to make sure the bond keeps going.
>> what if you evolve into something you don't enjoy.
>> what if they start going down a path that seems dark to you and doesn't bring out the best in them, then what?
>> that's -- sometimes is when you get some help from the outside to make sure you are working on something together, you have the same intention in the relationship.
>> i think it is funny. some people are make -- they can say the right words and that's great, because you feel all warm and fuzzy, but it is more about when someone does something for you as opposed to saying is easy, doing isn't so easy.
>> i think a lot of people assume, this person knows i love them, he knows it, she knows it, but it is about cultivating it. showing the other person.
>> don't assume.
>> say what you need. i have trouble with this, but to say to someone, look, i need this, i need you to say this more, this less, you hope it works itself out.
>> another way to approach it, say, you know, honey, you know what i miss, you know? and then it is not a accusatory. remember we used to take those walks on the beach. let's do that again. i think we can be threatened as part of a love relationship that, you know, it is so easy to just accuse and so easy to, you know, criticize.
>> and making sure you communicate love in a way your partner can feel it. i once had a patient who kept taking had his girlfriend camping because that's the way his parents showed him love. and they were on the verge of breaking up when she said, why were you taking me camping? he said, because i love you. it is the first time he said i love you. and everything changed from that. it is important to recognize you have a way of expressing love and your partner has a way of understanding love.
>> craft your own definition. everyone gives and receives love differently. talk to them. find out what they need so you're both working together.
>> and the story you just told, i wonder why she kept going camping with him when she didn't want to go camping? and stayed in the relationship?
>> she didn't say anything until right about to break up and she's like, wait a minute, i don't even like camping.
>> i wonder if they're still camping.