TODAY

TODAY   |  June 03, 2013

Author: Here’s what women really want in bed

Daniel Bergen, author of “What Do Women Want,” and sex therapist Logan Levkoff discuss Bergen’s seven-year research about female sexuality. They say that what women think they want in bed is actually different from how their bodies really respond.

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>>> and we're back. we are back on this fun-day monday with more of "today" and boy are we about to have some fun.

>> a simple question with no simple answer. here it is -- what do women really want in bed?

>> besides a good night's sleep.

>> one guy made it his mission to find out and now he's -- a hero to every man in america.

>> daniel bergen is the author of the highly anticipated "what

do women want: adventures in the science of female desire." and logan levkof is a scientist and relationship expert.

>> the big reveal in your book, we can probably sum it up by saying that most people believe men are the promiscuous one, they're the one who want to spread their seed and the women want to stay home and nest and have one man in their life. are you saying no?

>> it was one of the most surprising things i found. we think that men are programmed by evolution to spread their seed, be promiscuous and women are more driven to seek out one good man. i would say when anything, when it comes to sex, monogomy may be more of a problem for women than for men.

>> because? this is scientific research ?

>> if i can do a goofy little hand-grab.

>> here's committed relationships, desire starts at about the same point, women for men, plenty of sex drive , plenty of desire. women decline gradually. women seem to decline much more steeply.

>> what causes that?

>> different theories, one of the prime drivers that researchers talk to me about when it comes to women 's desire is the desire to be desired. and maybe that sort of wanes a bit?

>> that's a turn-on.

>> it is a turn-on to know that someone looks at you a certain way. especially when you've been told growing up that you shouldn't seek out that kind of attention. we have all of these mixed messages. which you know -- which is unfair and it's just not true. but all of this complicates how we interact with one another. how we even talk to those monogamous partners in our life and add to that all the magazine articles that talk about a million ways to have sex just like it was in the beginning.

>> and magazines say it's possible to have that, as long as you have a new partner.

>> trying to find a female viagra pill.

>> the reason i wrote about that for one chapter was less to sort of put a pill out there as to kind of look inside the neural pathways of sex give us a fascinating glimpse into that we might have to think in new ways about our relationship. one of the things we've been told over and over is share in the chores, share emotionally, great, wonderful, i'm a romantic, i'm into that. that's probably not going to stoke desire. maybe we knneed to put a little more distance.

>> if you're in a monogamous relationship , how can you keep it alive?

>> and again a lot of us choose that, because that's the way our society is organized. i think having your own identity, being able to go out with your friends, have lives and vacations separately and not just together, knowing who you are, you know, breeds that kind of desire, too. that you know that you are someone who is wanted and appreciated and attractive. and then you bring all of that erotic energy home to your partner. is something important.

>> because ultimately, don't you think that most erotic thing is the brains, anyway? and, isn't it true that after, people just want to feel the way they felt at the beginning. they want to be told the things that partners have stopped telling them.

>> i say too often we've told women from when they were girls right on up that their sexuality is to be somehow distrusted. i think strangely, we're a sex-saturated society. we think everything is unrestrained. for women it's definitely still a double standard .

>> sex-saturated, not exactly sex-satisfying.

>> and we should be sex-positive.

>> stop trying to one-up each other.

>> thanks both of you very