TODAY | November 05, 2012
>>> we're back now with our series called when is it okay to, and there are always situations that parents need help navigating, so we've gathered some moms here to share some personal experiences on everything from putting kids on a diet to letting them quit an activity. stacy morrison is the editor-in-chief of blog-her and a mom blogger, the author of "unglued, making tough choices in the midst of raw emotion" and we also have a pediatrician. good morning.
>> good morning.
>> we put this out on the web and a lot of moms and parents weighed in and when is it okay to argue in front of the children? i'm sure we can all chat about this for a long time.
>> i've never had a fight with my husband.
>> we've been married 19 years and never fought.
>> oh, please.
>> within the last five minutes, you know. i actually personally feel like you should try not to argue in front of your kids because you don't want to do anything that will undermine their sense of safety, but if you do argue in front of them, then they need to see and model conflict resolution .
>> how you argue more than --
>> let them know you're okay and it's okay and to make the apology open. i think one of the things i always try to do is say to zach, i failed at keeping my emotions in check today and you do that, too, right, and we all have to keep learning. it's not that you ever get good at it as an adult. my mom gave me great advice once. she said i wish i hadn't hen pecked your dad, pick, pick. that i think gave you a lasting sense of things not being okay which is different than fighting.
>> but i think it's healthy to argue in front of the children if you argue in a way that models conflict resolution .
>> i think children should learn that people who love each other can disagree and that disagreement can be solved in a very productive way and it doesn't have to be the last man standing wins.
>> you say it all comes down to tone though, right? because you say a lot of people are either the exploders as you say or the stuffers which i think some of us like me can be both. we explode and then we stuff it and then we explode.
>> i can be both of those, but my husband tends to be a stuffer, and i tend to be an exploder, and what we've really had towork on is learning how to address the issues, and sometimes we will address issues in front of the kids because i can't perfectly time when we're going to get into a little conflict, so as long as we're addressing the issues and not attacking one another.
>> then i think i can model and my husband can model what healthy conflict looks like.
>> my husband, he is the kind of person where he'll avoid conflict, and he grew up in a home that's very, very quiet, and i'm more of the exploder and i'm like let's get it all out on the table, and we've had to learn to navigate and not trying to prove that we're right but trying to improve the relationship and model, like you said, healthy conflict resolution .
>> you know what.
>> never argue about the children in front of the children. a united front . do that in private.
>> good to know. that's perfect. moving on to the next topic, is it okay to let your child cosmetically alter their look? now we're talking about anything from straightening their hair with a keratin straightener to nose jobs, breast augmentation , how do you all feel about this in.
>> this is a huge topic in the blogosphere, every time a woman starts wear begun, it i let my son wear blue nail polish to school or my daughter says she wants to have a nose job , a passionate reaction as if there's a right or wrong is amazing. the fact is you have to know your kid. are they doing it to cover a hurt, to join?
>> or are they doing it as an outward expression, something they want to do to be who they are, and i think it's helping them understand the difference between those two things because there is no set answer of what is or isn't going to work.
>> and also the experience with your son, the blue nail polish .
>> what's so interesting is there was a blogger yesterday who came out, the maven was talking about the same exact thing. her son loved the navy blue nail polish , wanted to wear it to school, exactly what my son had done and i said you're allowed but i want you to be aware people might say weird things, you're a girl or why are you doing that and i kind of prepared him for the upside. now the blogger's son said that's fine. i'm a rock star , and he went to school with it. my son, said, you know what, i'm going to take it off, but not because of that. oh, of course you're not.
>> renee, gone through this recently with my daughter, recently went natural with my hair. my daughter has the same hair down to here. what does she want, it's gorgeous, wants to wear it straight. i think a lot is peer pressure and as moms we have to divorce our own feelings from that because to me i'm like no, how could you, and she's like this is who i am so i think it's important that we understand that as well.
>> but developmentally we should say that 16-year-olds, teenagers really aren't ready to make certain decisions so getting things that are permanently body altering, nose jobs, boob jobs, at 16.
>> their bodies aren't developed yet.
>> their bodies are not developed and their minds are not fully developed in spite of how they feel. they feel like they are ready to make these big decisions. it's very important to not allow children to make those kinds of decisions because two, three, four years later they were thinking what was i thinking? they were thinking like a 16-year-old. body altering things, things that are not easily reversed should wait for adulthood.
>> usually it's because they are trying to fit in. next topic, when is it okay to put your child on a diet? this is a big one because talking about weight and your children is a tough subject.
>> when do you talk to your kids about weight is.
>> from a medical standpoint it should not be about appearance, it should be about health. and we use the bmi, body mass index , to determine if a child weighs a little bit too much, and it's for health. we don't put young children on diet. we allow them to grow into their weight but it should always be done with the supervision of your physician.
>> let your doctor be the lead voice on that.
>> unfortunately, i'm so sorry, we're like out of time. we definitely need more time for this. ladies, thank you so much.
>> thank you.
>> we'll keep the conversation going on the blogosphere.