Hate spoilers? Stay off the Internet!

June 20, 2011, 6:35 PM UTC

By Helen A.S. Popkin and Helen A.S. Popkin

Who killed Rosie Larson? Politician Dude's girlfriend ... obviously.

Oh, stop your squealing DVR peeps. This isn't a spoiler for last night's "The Killing."

True, I haven't bothered to learn any of the actual names of the characters on AMC's series, other than Rosie Larson. To me, they're Mr. Rosie Larson's Dad, Mrs. Rosie Larson's Mom, Lady Cop, Dude Cop, Bad Teacher, Politician's Toadie, Moving Company Sidekick, Pervert Steve Jobs, etc. But I've seen enough "Law & Order: Special Victims Unit" marathons to know, Politician's GF is totally the killer.

Space aliens monitoring our transmissions know Politician's GF offed Rosie Larson, and if you've ever watched, like, 10 minutes of TV in your life, you should know too. Yet last night, with 15 minutes left to"The Killing" season finale, my annoyed observation on both the Facebook and the Twitter received the obligatory onslaught of, "No spoilers! We're on the West Coast!" along with, "No Spoilers! We DVR'd it so we could watch 'Falling Skies,'" blah blah blah.

Technically it wasn't a spoiler — just my pop culture-weary prediction. But just as procedural crime dramas are eminently predictable, so is the Internet's response to anything that hints of a spoiler. (See above.) Here's the thing, DVRers and people of the West Coast: TV and the Internet are BFFs now and forever, and the only way to avoid the spoilers you fear from here on out is to STAY OFF THE INTERNET!

A recent study by Experian Simmons found that 91 percent of those who watch TV are also online at the same time, and 72 percent of them are also using their mobile phone or multitasking in other ways.

"TV and Twitter have a special connection," observed Twitter's own blog last month. "Broadcasters are eager to provide new ways to drive viewer engagement. Twitter provides a forum for real-time context and commentary that turns watchers into participants."

The marriage of these major media is further evidenced by the NSFW, single-service website, F--- the Killing, of which BuzzFeed's Scott Lamb writes, "Don't worry, no spoilers (not that you can spoil a show that doesn't make any sense at all)." Indeed, F--- the Killing" is more satisfying than another perplexing show's single-service site, IsLostARepeat.com — mostly because I will go to the grave believing you couldn't spoil "Lost" because the writers were pretty much making it up as they went along.

Agreed, if it's a major spoiler in a news story or blog post or whatever, there should be a proper alert — like the one I recently didn't receive from "Fresh Air's" Terry Gross when she blew the "Super 8" big reveal in an interview with director J.J. Abrams, after which she claimed she wouldn't give away anything important about the movie. (That's $12 still in my pocket. Thanks Terry!) That's radio, however. She should know better.

Those who've had the misfortune of attending a movie with me know that I, too, am lousy with sin. Just as I knew pretty much around "The Killing" pilot that Politician's GF killed Rosie Larson, I knew10 minutes into "The Sixth Sense," Bruce Willis was totally dead, and half that time into "The Crying Game" that the hot chick was a dude. On both occasions, I made those observations out loud in the movie theater. Those people who yelled at me had every right to be mad — I was talking in a movie theater (as I'm apt to do. That doesn't make it OK. I'm still gonna do it, FYI).

If you've got shows brewing on the DVR however, don't expect the rest of the world to play along ... and get mad when we don't. That's like being mad because you found out Snape killed Dumblerdore before "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" hit movie theaters, even though the book had been out for years. (SPOILER ALERT!)

More on the annoying way we live now:

Helen A.S. Popkin invites you to openly mock her — if/when it turns out Politician's GF didn't kill Rosie Larson — on the Twitter and/or the Facebook.