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Why Johnny Depp will never marry you

Sorry, ladies. Johnny Depp isn’t marrying Vanessa Paradis, his two-time baby-mama and gal pal of 10 years, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got a shot.
/ Source: msnbc.com contributors

Sorry, ladies. Johnny Depp isn’t marrying Vanessa Paradis, his two-time baby-mama and gal pal of 10 years, but that doesn’t mean you’ve got a shot. Star Magazine reveals that the “emotional scars” from both his parents’ divorce and his own at the tender age of 22 may prevent the talented thespian from ever tying the knot.

It’s not that Johnny hasn’t made the effort. Following his failed marriage to makeup artist Lori Anne Allison, the “Sweeney Todd” hottie got engaged four — COUNT ’EM, FOUR — times. Let’s review: Sherilyn Fenn (1987-1988); Jennifer Grey (1988-1989), (everyone’s favorite) Winona Ryder (1990-1993); and Kate Moss (1994-1997).

“Johnny’s never spoken about what really happened between him and Lori,” a family insider told Star. “But having a failed marriage so young, and on the heels of his parents’ breakup, must have had a profound effect on him — especially given all the women he’s been engaged to since then, without ever marrying again!”

Faces of Depp

Slideshow  42 photos

Faces of Depp

From the Mad Hatter to Cry-Baby, the sexy star prefers oddballs and outsiders to traditional leading men.

Star asked New York City-based psychologist Barry Lubetkin, Ph.D., for confirmation. “Unfortunately, it looks as if Johnny has never had a good blueprint for marriage,” said Dr. Lubetkin, who incidentally never actually treated Johnny. “In the end, his anxiety over being abandoned and hurt, and his own broken marriage certainly could contribute to his doubt, fear, skepticism and concern over getting married again.”

While there probably isn’t a woman in the world who doesn’t want to fix him, Johnny may have finally figured out exactly what he wants. “Johnny and Vanessa are a lot alike in that they’re both total bohemians who don’t believe in any kind of restrictions or labeling that marriage offers,” a friend told Star. “I think he may also be hesitant about getting married because it will make him feel old and a little caged in.”

Celebrity nose jobs: A retrospectiveAshley Tisdale’s freshly snipped snout is just the impetus needed by several magazines to launch an informative retrospective of celebrity nose jobs.

“Growing up, I always knew I had a deviated septum on the right side of my nose, which caused trouble breathing,” the “High School Musical” star told Life & Style. Yeah, whatever.

Us Weekly calls out Ashley with this Newsweek quote, referring to the deviated septum as “the standard (excuse) for Hollywood actresses who don’t want to admit they had a nose job.” The magazine also includes some spectacular before and after snout shots of Ashlee Simpson, Cameron Diaz and Jennifer Aniston.

Speaking of Jen, Star observed the former “Friends” star leaving a restaurant on Dec. 12 “suspiciously covering her nose with a scarf — which she continued to do even as she drove away.”

Photos shown to three plastic surgeons have the docs feeling quite certain that Jen recently underwent her third nose job — and her second this year. Jen’s Feb. 4 surgery fixed an alleged deviated septum, which yet another operation failed to fix years before. According to one Star-interviewed doc, this third surgery “has given Jennifer a perfect nose.”

Dish on the fly …In a case of life imitating a heavily bankrolled teen melodrama, “Gossip Girl” stars Blake Lively (Serena van der Woodsen) and Penn Badgley (Dan Humphrey)are totally dating in real life, reports the New York Daily News’ Gatecrasher.“No one is really supposed to know that,” an insider told Gatecrasher. “I was told by a friend of the family.” Quick, somebody text Nate! … Has-been hunk Hugh Grant grossed out diners at a high-end London eatery by engaging in three-way PDA, reports the Mirror. “They sat on the sofa next to us with the girl in the middle,” said one witness. “Soon, Hugh started snogging her full-on. Meanwhile, the other guy was touching the girl’s thigh. It was like Hugh accepted it.” … Celeb sibling Barron Hilton, 16, is picking up tricks from big sis Paris. Cops caught the kid holed up in a Bel-Air hotel room with fellow 16-year-old Skye Peters (daughter of “Superman Returns” producer Jon Peters), reports the New York Post’s Page Six. “Something happened,” according to a source, but nobody’s saying what that “something” is. Meanwhile, a rep for papa Jon said the angry dad is looking into why his very estranged ex-wife, Christine Peters, “is allowing their youngest daughter to spend nights out.”

Tabloid Tidbits is compiled by Ree Hines and Helen A.S. Popkin.