Nov. 15, 2013 at 3:48 PM ET
Tell-all memoirs are all the rage. Tori Spelling and Demi Lovato are currently promoting theirs; Jason Priestley and Leah Remini have secret-spilling books in the works, too. These insider tomes are gold for fans who can't get enough of their favorite celebrity. But when the stars go on press tours that turn into gossipy back-stabbing sessions, the whole process starts to feel seedy.
Melissa Joan Hart's new memoir, Melissa Explains It All, is chock-full of kiss-and-tell moments with certain celebrities and casual put-downs of others. The former teen star—of Clarissa Explains It All and Sabrina the Teenage Witch—also details her year and a half spent experimenting with drugs. And during her recent promotional stop at Access Hollywood, Billy Bush and Kit Hoover devoted most of her allotted 10 minutes to the juiciest details. Right out of the gate, she was answering questions about making out with a girl she doesn't remember, while on Ecstasy, in the back of a limo. Click here to watch!
"This book to me seems—is it you saying, 'Wait a minute, for everybody who thinks I grew up Goody Two Shoes and did Sabrina and Clarissa, and had no faults, let me share with you the full picture'?" asked Bush. Frankly, this would seem obvious. Isn't that what all teen stars do eventually? (Britney? Bieber? Miley? Shall we go on?)
But Hart insists she isn't trying to prove anything. "It's more like, just the stories from my life," she replied. "I think I've had a pretty normal life with extraordinary moments, of things like hanging out with Oscar de la Hoya, or kissing Jerry O'Connell." Oooh, scandalous.
So she kissed James Van Der Beek, even though she didn't find him particularly cute. O'Connell locked lips with her, and then turned around and hit on another woman the next day. Paris Hilton offered her cocaine. Ashton Kutcher made too many smart-ass remarks at her parties. De la Hoya called her Sabrina, even though he knew her real name. (How could he?) On the bright side, she chased down Ryan Reynolds and "we just made out all night," she said. Ditto with Backstreet Boy Nick Carter: "It was just one of those hot moments," she revealed.
Quick question: Does she not plan on ever seeing any of these people again? Maybe run into one of them in a talk-show green room, or lined up on an awards show red carpet? Reynolds might enjoy the book's anecdotes about him, but Kutcher and Hilton are probably thinking, "What a witch."
Another quick question: As a wife and mother of three boys, what does she think her husband, and eventually, her sons, will think when they read this book? Awkward.
But before you sympathize with Hart for this obvious miscalculation, keep this in mind: Her TMI memoir is just part of her overall financial plan. "You've got to be careful about what you put out there and what you really want people to know," she told MTV, when a reporter asked her opinion about Miley Cyrus' in-your-face behavior of late. "And keep some for yourself! Keep some secrets so you can write a book later on."
Actually, Miley—we'd rather you get it all out now, rather than making us recall twerking 20 years from now.
Jennifer Graham Kizer is an iVillage contributing writer. Follow her on Google+.
A version of this story originally appeared on iVillage.