Aug. 18, 2013 at 11:13 PM ET
In a sometimes-teary interview aired on "Oprah's Next Chapter" Sunday night, troubled actress Lindsay Lohan told Oprah Winfrey that she knew she caused her own problems, and that at one point things were so bad she actually hoped she would go to jail.
"I'm my own worst enemy, and I know that," Lohan, 27, said in the much-hyped interview.
Although she told Winfrey it was "terrifying" to learn in 2010 that she would have to go to jail for violating probation, she also claimed she subconsciously welcomed the sentence. “At that point ... I strangely somewhere inside knew and kind of wanted to go to jail,” she told the talk-show host. “I think it was just to find some peace and just have no choice but to just sit and be."
Lohan admitted to having addiction issues with Ambien and Adderall, and even to chaotic situations, but said her real addiction was to alcohol. "That in the past was a gateway to other things for me," Lohan said.
When she used cocaine — she snorted, never injected it, approximately "10 to 15 times" — she did it only "because it allowed me to drink more. ... It went hand-in-hand with drinking."
Lohan told Winfrey that things began to go bad for her when she moved to Los Angeles at age 18 without anyone around to provide guidance or support.
"I wasted so much money," the actress said after her host pointed out the actress was making $7 million per picture following the success of 2004's "Mean Girls." "I wasn't really being guided. ... And I didn't listen to my family when they would say, 'Come move back to New York.' "
As often happens with extended Winfrey chats, the conversation was part interview, part therapy session. Winfrey pushed hard to try and find the "disease" beneath the addiction and asked several questions about Lohan's relationship with her parents, Michael and Dina. The actress asserted that growing up, her home life was "chaotic," and said she had recently asked her parents to "keep our life private, please."
But overall, she had sympathy for her mother and father, and took full responsibility for what has gone wrong in her own life.
"I don't blame anyone for my mistakes," she said. "I don't blame anyone for (me) driving a car while drinking. I don't blame anyone for me having to go to court. I did that. I did that, and I'm not proud of it."
Repeatedly, Lohan returned to a few themes: that she had discovered her spirituality (which she did not peg to any particular religion), and that after all of the rehab back-and-forth and run-ins with the law, she was "tired."
"It's always such a circus when I go to court," she said. "It's just so humiliating. It's just yet another situation where it just draws the focus back to me being the celebrity that's troubled. ... And I think I just hit a wall. I'm just tired."
So is this really a "new chapter" for Lohan, or is she just acting? Time will tell. But based on her interview, she certainly said all the right things. When Winfrey brought up the fact that Lohan's next move was going to be a trip to Europe (on a "yoga and meditation type of retreat," Lohan insisted), her questions took on a concerned tone.
"There's something about Europe being the playground for fun and pleasure," said Winfrey, who asked the troubled star to consider not going at all. Lohan agreed to think about it. After the interview ended, the screen went black and a note explained that two days after the sit-down, Lohan canceled her trip.
So maybe that's a first step — Lohan may be listening to the wisdom of others. Can she turn her career and her life around as well?
"Yes," insisted Lohan. "As long as I stay honest with myself and just do the work that I am willing to do and have been willing to do and am doing, then there's nothing that can stand in the way of that."