In his new book, “Here's the Situation,” Mike Sorrentino — of “Jersey Shore” fame — shares his tips on tanning, tight T-shirts and living the good Jersey life. Read an excerpt on personal style.
Chapter Three: Laundry (aka Personal Style)
The L in GTL is what’s known as the Laundry Factor. But don’t be confused. I’m not talking about simply washing and ironing your clothes or making routine trips to the dry cleaners. (Although that’s pretty freakin’ important.) The Laundry Factor pertains primarily to how you assemble your outfits so that you look fresh for all occasions. Once you’ve buffed out your body to maximum fitness in the gym, then brought out the shine in the tanning salon, you can’t be draping baggy, faded clothes all over it. Wearing stylish, clean, and pressed attire is critical. When you look good, you feel good. And when you feel good, you creep good.
As Per Fitted T-shirts
Ninety percent of the time I roll into a club, I’m wearing a T-shirt. But we’re not talking about a Hanes Beefy-T. We’re talking about a silky-thin, fitted, designer number, ideally with metallic embellishments and embedded jewelry. It’s like a knight putting on his armor, or a Delta Force commando pulling on his battle rattle.
For years the fine people at Ed Hardy, Affliction, and Christian Audigier have been outfitting me and my fellow hardcore creepers with sick T-shirts. But now you can take your shirt situation up to The Situation’s situation with my own clothing line by Dilligaf. It’s sick, bro.
Note that some cutting-edge shirts today include a necklace integrated into the garment itself. If you think this means you don’t have to wear a separate, standalone necklace, you couldn’t be more wrong, dawg.
Ask The Sitch:
Purchasing the two halves of a track suit together, and in identical shades of the same color, is always recommended. But, for those rare occasions when the situation calls for a mix-and-match, here is a quick color-matching guide for pairing your up with your down:
Q: Does navy blue go with black?
Q: Can I rock a white top with blue bottoms?
A: Yes. But not the reverse.
Q: Does velour pair with nylon?
A: Does a Fontodi Chianti Classico 2001 pair with a six-piece McNuggets? If you still don’t know, the answer is no.
Q: Two shades of red?
A: Depends. To be safe, be sure the darker shade is represented in the pants. And if by “shade of red” you mean pink, then the answer is no, no, no.
Q: How about kelly green and ...
A: Stop right there. Seriously, bro?
Sitch Sez: Fashion Fact
Most people make the assumption that I wear trendy shades the majority of the time (often indoors) to protect my eyes from the elements. But in fact it’s the reverse. I’m protecting the elements from the brilliance of my eyes.
The Mathematics of Looking Fresh
People are always asking, “Sitch, how do you look so damn good in a deep-V T-shirt?” It’s simple. I always apply the ancient geometric principle known as the Golden Ratio. Look, if you want to crush it like The Sitch, you can’t phone it in, bro. You gotta do the work. When I’m rocking a deep-V, I’m always certain it will be unimpeachably pleasing to the eye of the beholder by first crunching the math on this time-tested formula:
Basically if you have two numbers, A and B, it has to be such that:
(A plus B) divided by A equals A divided by B.
So if your V-neck is 5 inches deep. Make that A. The sleeve of your T-shirt must be 3.09 inches long. Because 5 plus 3.09 is 8.09. Divided by 5 is 1.168. That’s the left side of the equation.
And 5 divided by 3.09 is also 1.168. That’s the right side of the equation. So they match. If your T-shirt meets these criteria when you roll into the club you will literally be a walking work of art.
Study closely this rare self-portrait from the hand of Il Guido Originale, Leonardo Da Vinci.
Supplemental (RE: Belt Buckle Detail): Creepers will also benefit from this quick formula for determining the maximum allowable width of your belt buckle:
circumference of bicep—shoe size = Maximum Allowable Belt Buckle Width (or MABBW, pronounced Mabble-you)
Sitch Ab Fact: My abs are so cut that all of my shirts have to be made out of Kevlar. Lesser fabrics are quickly shredded by coming into contact with my abs. (Sitch Fashion Tip: It’s difficult to find military-grade Kevlar in Ed Hardy designs. But not impossible.)
Sitch Sez: No mater what T-shirt you select, whether it’s fitted, graphic, sequined, bedazzled, crew-neck, deep-V, wifebeater, or what-have-you, it’s about being proud of who you are. If you want to bust out a deep-V that’s safety-cone orange because you think that’s your color, then wear the hell out of that fruity shirt so everybody in the club knows that nobody owns it like you do. Set the trends, don’t follow them. I wear what makes me feel good because I’m at the tip of the spear — the cutting edge of fashion that’s fresh to death. When I see something I like, I grab it. My only system when I shop for fresh apparel is my own primal reaction to what I see, the moment I see it. When I enter a house of apparel, I trust my eye to zero in on what’s mint. That’s the single most effective system I have for knowing when to pull the trigger on a purchase. If I find myself hemming and hawing, that’s a clear indication that the garment in question is not destined to make my rotation. I walk away from the rack because I’ve failed to make a connection to those threads. On the other hand, if I know from the moment I see it that that particular piece is going to make me look awesome, I trust my instinct completely and it comes home with The Sitch. (See sidebar: “Shhhhh ... Here’s an Exclusive Sitch Fashion Tip”)
Shhhhh ... Here’s an Exclusive Sitch Fashion Tip
If you’re still having difficulty deciding whether or not to purchase a particular garment, there is one sure-fire method left at your disposal. Put the magnetic security tag gently to your ear. If you can hear the faint, distant thumping of bumping club music, buy it.
Reprinted from "Here’s the Situation" by Mike “The Situation” Sorrentino and Chris Mills by arrangement with Gotham Books, a member of Penguin Group (USA) Inc., Copyright © 2010 by Mike Sorrentino.