Incoherence can inspire. Stupidity often spotlights truth. Condescension is a crack-up and a beautiful disaster can still be dazzling. For proof of that last assertion just go watch “Glitter” and prepare to be wowed by the moment when Mariah Carey’s head seems to explode in a shower of happy fireworks. Even better, Salman Rushdie’s wife Padma Lakshmi is a co-star, which means he had to see it too. You don’t think you’re better than Salman Rushdie, do you? So here are some cinematic corkers, in alphabetical order only, because in Suck Town all movies are equal…
“Alone In The Dark” — This movie is so crafty that it wipes your brain clean every five minutes, making you forget its insane ineptitude. Based on my spotty memory retrieval, I sort of recall Tara Reid as an archeologist who wears glasses because she’s smart. There are some monsters running around and Christian Slater paranormally investigates them. Christian and Tara do it but she won’t take off her bra even though the movie’s rated R. Then people with giant guns come along and kill the monsters. I think.Why you should see it anyway: Uwe Boll, the man to blame for this, is the Kubrick of Krap. He’s almost an outsider artist when it comes to directing, because from watching his movies it is possible to believe that he has never seen one himself.
Special Bonus Mention: “War of the Worlds”
Fast-paced, scary, tense, exciting, meta-terrorist fear-stroking-as-popcorn-movie. It’s so much dark fun that you forgot that just two weeks earlier you were wondering why Tom Cruise was jumping up and down on couches on national television acting a fool and really freaking you out. And then come the last 10 minutes of the movie when it all comes crashing to a screeching happiness halt, all the main characters — even the ones that should have been dead by then — safe and sound and dressed in cozy sweaters, the world spared from doom. Hooray.Why you should see it anyway: To see what happens when directors of remakes are too slavish to the source material, too full of self-esteem and too happy to be hanging out with weirdo A-list actors.
Dave White is the film critic for Movies.com and the author of the forthcoming “Exile in Guyville.” Don’t argue about movies with him at .