People who know I graduated from a women’s college assume that I have gathered precious little information about men. They have it bass-ackwards: Graduates of all-estrogen fests are, in fact, connoisseurs of the breed. By not living amongst men, we gained the ability to objectively scrutinize them from afar, not unlike Shetland ponies in the wild, or amoebas.
And, of course, we examined them on screen. I recall flinging a fistful of Sno-Caps at the head of a date who had the temerity to refer to Brad Pitt in “Se7en” as, quote, “suspender dude”: “There’s still only one sin left! When’s suspender dude going to get in gear?” The poor boy didn’t realize that you’re not supposed to look at Brad’s suspenders in “Se7en” any more than you’re supposed to admire his cow-inspired clothing in “Legends of the Fall.”
Being shiny on a 16-foot screen, however, does not necessarily bring The Sexy, or even The Likable. The more an actor freaks out offscreen, the more he detracts from his ability to sink into his character. My grandfather hated Sinatra for this very reason. “I don’t like how that man treated Nancy,” he would say, 49 years after the fact. And I don’t like how Brad threw over Jennifer, or how Tom threw over sanity. Can’t trust them.
I don’t know that you can particularly trust me, either. After Seth Green’s performance in “The Italian Job,” I became somewhat… attracted, if only because his character possessed the ability to stop traffic in downtown Los Angeles. That’s hot.
Then I hit the internet and realized what I was getting myself into. Ohhhhhhhhh, Seth was the ‘Cha-CHING!!’ commercial guy in 1991. Well. That’s gonna knock you down a couple notches.
Then I read that he once announced the following: “There are two types of people: Michael Jackson fans and losers." Thanks, Scott Evil, it’s been fun.
Sean Astin (34)
Shut up, okay? I love me some Sean. There is, of course, a lot of him to love in “Lord of the Rings. But he is a friendly mound of flesh.
“Rings” Sean was pure of heart! “Rudy” Sean was pure of heart! Sometimes a girl just wants to tear apart a nice boy.
My fierce protection of Sean and general “meh” reaction to Orlando Bloom has cost me many a friendship, but I am a very pale person, and Orlando is also very pale in “Rings,” and were we to mate and produce a baby, it would likely burst into flames when exposed to direct sunlight. I am sorry, Orlando, but Sean and his dorky Notre Dame jacket have won the day. It’s for the children.
Antonio Banderas (45)
You kind of get the feeling that Antonio owns a remote-control operated wine bar. And an excellent sound system, with a five-disk CD changer. Yes, surround-sound, a full-bodied red, and Antonio. Don’t forget your accent, Antonio.
Tom Selleck (60)
He chucked the mustache, started dating Monica Geller, and all kinds of mojo started to sparkle around Tom. It made things… uncomfortable when he portrayed Dwight Eisenhower last year, but if Tom’s involved… Shake it, Ike!
Michael J. Nelson (41)Nelson has perhaps the sexiest back of the head in all of cinema. Best known as the host of TV’s “Mystery Science Theater 3000”, he stretched the role of man-mocking-the-movie-while-flanked-by-his-two-robot puppets in new directions with… “Mystery Science Theater 3000: The Movie.” He now provides commentary tracks for such horridness as "Reefer Madness" and "Night of the Living Dead."
The attraction of Nelson is that of The Protector: He will deflect its evil power of the bad movie with his Carol Channing impressions, making Patrick Swayze films safe again for you and me.
He fell, screaming, from my list a few years ago when he decided that you know what would be really cool? An earring!! Then he began accessorizing with Calista Flockhart instead, and continues to creep towards redemption with the earring-less likes of “Sabrina,” and — I’m almost afraid of this — a fourth installment of the Indiana Jones films.
Will Smith (37)Will shoots at aliens, and then he mocks them, and then he raps about them. We (heart) Will, if only for leaving behind the neon pants of the “Fresh Prince” era. Bravo, young charismatic Will. Well-played.
Freelance writer Mary Beth Ellis runs BlondeChampagne.com, which to her knowledge has never been visited by Heath Bar, clothed or unclothed.