“If you don’t eat your pizza you will NOT get a treat.”
Back when my kids were toddlers, those were the words that entered me into the zany world of Momisms, aka, ridiculous things you never thought would come out of your mouth. (And yes, I am aware that pizza is not a superfood and is a treat unto itself.)
We asked TODAY Moms readers on Facebook to share some of the best, most bizarre things you have said to your kids. And with several hundreds of comments, you had us dying of laughter.
Here, in a few categories, are our favorites. (Note: The names of Facebook commenters follow each doozy of a quote.) Think of it as our Mother's Day gift to you. Because sometimes, you just have to laugh.
Kids and their pets
What is it about our kids and the weird things they do with animals? Doesn’t matter whether they are cats, dogs or… birds.
“Please don’t put the chicken in the baby swing!” (Julie Ann)
“Put that chapstick back in the chicken and leave it there!!” (Ginny Breining Weigle)
“Stop embarrassing the dog!” (Shawna Gonsuron)
"We do not use the litter box like the cats — that's not our toilet!!!" (Courtney Patterson)
"Don't stick your finger there! That is not the dog’s belly button!" (Ashley Burnham Erickson, who explains her 2-year-old was pointing out everyone's belly button, but got a little off track when she came to the dog.)
“Stop letting the dog lick your butt!” (Amanda Bengert Goebel)
Kids and their butts
Let’s face it, kids are endlessly fascinated by the gluteus maximus. Whether it’s their own, their pet’s (see comments above), their sibling’s, or, shockingly, ours!
"Stop smelling your brother's butt" (Jacqueline Plumley said this to her 4-year-old daughter, who was bugging her 6-year-old brother by acting like a dog and sniffing his butt. “She thought it was hilarious,” says Plumley.)
"Get your hand out of my butt!" (Katie Darlington says, “Every time my 4-year-old son tries to grab my leg, he ends up with his hand in my crack.")
"Stop putting your butt on your sister!" (Mary Laken Hoffmann)
"Don't bite my butt! Stop chasing me to bite my butt! We don't bite Mommy's butt!" (Karmen Paterson on what she says to her 2-year-old.)
"Stop smelling the dog’s butt, that is disgusting," (April Southers)
Kids and their mouths
Why do kids insist on licking or biting just about everything in sight? Don’t they realize there are lots of things that aren’t meant to be… tasted?
“Why are you biting the table?” (Jessi Hansen Tamasino)
"Do NOT lick the shopping cart wheels." (Marcie Down Shoham, who said to this to her 4-year-old who was pretending he was a cat… at Bed Bath & Beyond... in front of 25 people.)
“Please don't lick the deck... or the car tires, either.” (Melissa Truman Schools)
"We do not lick bathroom walls." (Dara Klatt said this as she watched her child lick “a gross gas station bathroom.”)
"Don't lick the dirty dishes in the dishwasher! Grroosssss!!!"" (Jessica Nunberg)
"Stop biting and eating your toe nails." (Cherie Yow)
Kids and their body parts
They love to stick random objects in random places. This calls for some serious parent policing!
"We don't put our forks in our noses" (Angi Nicholas)
“PLEASE stop pulling spaghetti noodles out of your throat. I don't care that it doesn't make you gag. It's grossing me out.” (Kristi Adams Johnson)
"We do not put our feet in the butter dish.” (Jennifer Anderson)
"How many corn kernels are in your nose? “ (Megan Malicki Segetti)
"Goldfish go in our mouths, not our butts.” (Larissa Simpson)
"Stop sticking fuzz from the couch up your nose!” (Heather Golembiewski)