We’ve watched the world’s best athletes. Sure, we are impressed at the physical prowess, but Olympians have nothing on the greatest athletes of all time -- moms. The balancing act of our daily routines rival any elite athlete. Usain Bolt has nothing on a mom in a 100-yard dash to stop her toddler from running into traffic. Relays can’t compete with the “Mom I forgot my lunch/homework/cleats” trips back and forth to school. Synchronized swimming? Try applying sunscreen to two squirmy kids without getting it all over your couch. And just like those gorgeous beach volleyball players, we moms wage a constant battle against sand in underwear—usually someone else’s. Through it all we look good—with or without Romanian gymnast worthy makeup. So let’s give a medal to Mom.
Here are some suggestions for new Olympic events in 2016:
Lunch making marathon
Making lunches requires not only speed and dexterity, but also the mental fortitude to withstand complaints about the shape of grapes and the cheesiness of crackers. Highest level of difficulty: Wheat bread, which always has too many “brown thingies” in it.
School supply sprint
The longer you stay in the school supply aisle the more likely you’ll buy one of those notebooks with pockets, zippers, snaps, Velcro and flashing lights. This is why we sprint. First mom through the aisle wins.
Toy high jump
Who has not experienced the Lego gash or the dolly-on-the-stairs sprained ankle? Athletic moms are constantly jumping over toys and tiny people. Time to transform the moves of everyday injury avoidance into Olympic glory.
Cart hurdling
Track and field is tricky, but world class moms navigate obstacle-ridden grocery aisles every day. Extra points for working with a faulty wheel or more than one child. Highest marks for those for keeping “teammates” healthy by preventing them from licking the cart.
Alternative archery
Oh, the possibilities! Not to injure, of course, but to deliver solutions directly to a waiting target! What if we had a Benadryl dart to soothe the savage toddler? Or a mushroom arrow aimed at my sullen teenager’s mouth? Moms would ace this event.
Carpool scheduling
Technically not a physical activity, but still one that requires years of practice and possibly a degree in quantum mechanics. Makes one want to walk everywhere, really fast. And if we did that we might actually make it to the real Olympics.
Nutrition balance
Michael Phelps may need 12,000 calories a day, but moms face an Olympic effort convincing kids to eat carrots. Silver medals for every mom in America whose child can eat a Brussels sprout without making that face!
Dog grooming iron man
Sure, the dog is not your real child, but someone has to do it and I’m betting it’s you, Mom. This event is all about endurance. The hair, the wiggling, the stroke after stroke after stroke. Saving grace: It’s the best upper body workout a girl can get.
DE-lay racing
Forget the relay—when your life revolves around the needs of others, you can find yourself in perpetual delay mode. Shouldn’t there be some acknowledgment of the mental skill it takes to wait for long hours at dentists, doctors, and orthodontists offices? Last one into bed advances to the podium!
Extreme pampering
When the kids are skating on thin ice, what we really need is something less strenuous. Forget the triathalon, how about a tri-relax-athon. We could all medal in massage, pedicure, and pinot noir. You think instead of a box of Wheaties they’d put our faces on a bottle of wine?
If they gave medals to moms, in what event would you take home the gold?
Lela Davidson is the author of Blacklisted from the PTA. Her writing is featured regularly in family and parenting magazines throughout the United States and Canada. She blogs about marriage, motherhood, and life-after-40 at After the Bubbly.
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