Feb. 4, 2011 at 5:00 AM ET
An excerpt from 180 Telltale Signs Mates Are Cheating and How to Catch Them
Think your mate might be having an affair? Find out if he is displaying any of the warning signals described by Raymond B. Green, a private investigator and former police officer, and Marcella Bakur, a psychology professor at Marymount Manhattan College. Here, the 32 emotional signs that he is having an affair:
1. Your mate is more attentive to your needs than usual. This is due to the guilt feelings experienced by the cheater in the early stages of his or her affair. The attention will diminish as the affair continues.
2. Your mate begins buying you gifts—lots of gifts. These are "guilt gifts" purchased because your partner feels guilty about betraying you and showering you with presents makes him or her feel better.
3. Your mate's behavior is causing a gut feeling in you that something isn't right. If this happens, pay attention to your instincts. Ignoring them means you want to blind yourself to the truth. You know your mate's habits, routines and attitudes better than anybody, so be suspicious when these things change.
4. Your mate frequently picks fights with you. Doing this gives him reason to get mad and storm out of the house and thus the opportunity to meet a lover. A cheater may also do this because of mixed emotions he is feeling about betraying you.
5. Your mate constantly talks about your relationship ending when you fight or argue. She says things like, "What would you do if our relationship ended?" or "If anything ever happened to us, I would always love you like a friend." In general, she seems very negative about your relationship. Your mate makes these statements because she has a lover to fall back on if your relationship ends. If your partner repeats these kinds of statements often, be suspicious.
6. Your mate becomes very moody. He or she seems very upbeat and excited when leaving you but acts somber and depressed when around you. If your mate is in a long-term affair, he/she will try to keep both relationships running smoothly. Any problems the cheater has in one relationship will spill over into the other relationship as well. This is inevitable.
7. Your mate never talks to you. You live together but don't interact. He has become cold and inconsiderate of your feelings.
8. Your mate's taste in music suddenly changes. For instance, she always listened to pop music but suddenly starts listening to country music. Your partner might be listening to and growing fond of this new type of music because her lover listens to it.
9. Your mate lacks self-esteem. This doesn't necessarily mean he will go out and have an affair, but an insecure individual often looks to others for guidance. If an insecure person's needs aren't being met, he might find the desired feelings of security and positive feedback in an affair with someone else.
10. Your mate continually criticizes another person. She is trying to make you think that type of individual would never be of interest to her, although there actually exists a secret attraction.
11. Your mate criticizes things about you that he or she once found attractive and appealing.
12. Your mate easily becomes offended at the comments, however harmless, that you make.
13. Your mate stops paying attention to you, your children and home-life in general.
14. Your mate begins closing doors when you are around, when before he or she would leave them open. For instance, the Bathroom-Door Rule: Couples in long-term relationships often leave their bathroom doors open while attending to necessities even if their partners are nearby. As affairs develop, the cheating mates will close bathroom doors, distancing themselves physically and psychologically from their partners.
15. Your mate stops complimenting you on your looks.
16. Your mate stops saying, "I love you."
17. You mate acts guilty when you do something nice for him or her. You are supposed to be the person who is making life miserable and the relationship untenable. By doing something nice, you force the cheater to think about what he or she is doing.
18. Your mate turns the table and accuses you of cheating but has no evidence.
19. Your mate would rather spend time with friends than be with you.
20. Your mate shows no interest in your relationship's future.
21. Your mate stops being affectionate.
22. Your mate is more interested in reading a book or watching television than talking with you or making love to you.
23. Your mate frequently talks about the problems a friend, neighbor, coworker, course instructor or classmate of the opposite sex is having.
24. Your mate begins using new catch phrases or starts to tell types of jokes or express opinions that are unusual for him or her.
25. Your mate pays less and less attention to your children. They seem to sense something is wrong and don't seem to be as emotionally healthy or secure as they once were.
26. Your mate has been acting emotionally distant and withdrawn but when you ask about it, he doesn't want to discuss it and becomes very protective of his privacy.
27. Your mate seems disinterested and distracted during sex.
28. Your mate talks in her sleep and mentions the name of a particular person on more than one occasion.
29. Your mate seems startled or confused when awakened. This uncertainty may be caused by not being sure which bedroom and which lover's bed he or she is in.
30. Your mate's behavior is such that your friends begin asking you what's wrong. Close friends and family members often will notice tension or discord between the two of you before you are fully aware of it.
31. Your mate easily becomes offended when you make normal and natural inquiries and may demand to know why you are checking up on him or her.
32. Your mate's sleeping pattern changes considerably from the norm and may include unexplainable exhaustion, restlessness, frequent nightmares and sleep-talking.
The 32 emotional signs your partner is having an affair comes from 180 Telltale Signs Mates Are Cheating and How to Catch Them.
A version of this story originally appeared on iVillage.