IE 11 is not supported. For an optimal experience visit our site on another browser.

Weekly cemetery visits bring grieving military moms ‘lifeline’ and lasting friendship

For many, Arlington National Cemetery is a site for grieving and remembrance of America’s fallen heroes. For four particular women, it also provides a weekly source of solace, support and inspiration. Nearly every Sunday, these four mothers pay visits to the lush lawns of America’s hallowed ground, trimming the grass around their children’s headstones and swapping out last week’s floral ar
Paula Davis, Xiomara Mena Anderson, Beth Belle, and Gina Barnhurst pose for a photo by their sons graves at Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington, ...
Paula Davis, Xiomara Mena Anderson, Beth Belle, and Gina Barnhurst meet nearly every Sunday at Arlington National Cemetery while holding vigil at their sons’ grave sites. “This has been my lifeline,\" Davis said of their friendship, which has \"helped me more than a therapist, than grief counseling.\"Kris Connor / Getty Images for TODAY
Paula Davis, Xiomara Mena Anderson, Beth Belle, and Gina Barnhurst talk and catch up by their sons graves at Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington,...
Paula Davis, Xiomara Mena Anderson, Beth Belle, and Gina Barnhurst, during a recent Sunday afternoon at Arlington National Cemetery. \"We don't have to pretend with each other,\" Belle said.Kris Connor / Today

For many, Arlington National Cemetery is a site for grieving and remembrance of America’s fallen heroes. For four particular women, it also provides a weekly source of solace, support and inspiration.

Nearly every Sunday, these four mothers pay visits to the lush lawns of America’s hallowed ground, trimming the grass around their children’s headstones and swapping out last week’s floral arrangement with a fresh batch. If necessary, they replace the small photographs resting flat against the grave markers.

And then they sit down on lawn chairs and talk, to their sons and to each other. Three of the women have children buried in the same row, the fourth has one just a few rows away to the west. The women join up somewhere in between, finding in each other a community, camaraderie and comfort that no grief therapy session could ever match.

“We come here not to just talk about our kids but about different things, too. About how our week was, a little bit of everything,” said Xiomara Mena Anderson, whose son, Army Cpl. Andy Anderson, was killed in Iraq on June 6, 2006.

Xiomara Mena Anderson poses for a portrait next to her son Andy D Anderson's grave at Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington, Virginia on May 18, 20...
Xiomara Mena Anderson greets her son with a kiss to the top of his gravestone. Army Cpl. Andy Anderson, 24, was killed in Iraq on June 6, 2006.Kris Connor / Today

Gina Barnhurst, whose son, Marine Lance Cpl. Eric Herzberg, died in October of the same year, compares the connection she shares with Anderson and the other women “to the bond that all the guys have with each other when they’re in battle. It’s deeper than you can describe with words,” she said.

In Section 60, dedicated to the servicemen killed in Iraq and Afghanistan, it's common to see heartbroken parents or young spouses laying face down in front of the graves of their loved ones.

“We’ve all done that, especially when no one else is here,” said Beth Belle, mother of Marine Lance Cpl. Nicholas Kirven, who was killed in Afghanistan on Mother’s Day 2005. “We would certainly do it if it’s just the four of us here. We don’t have to pretend with each other.”

Belle recalled going to the wedding of her nephew about a year after Nicholas died. She called it gut-wrenching to watch her sister dance with her son, knowing she would never have the chance to do the same with her own. On the way home from the wedding, she stopped by the cemetery and found Barnhurst.

“I got out of the car and I burst into tears. And all I had to say was, ‘I just went to a family wedding,’ and Gina got it. And I could finally let every bit of it go,” Belle said.

It's a bond that others sometimes don't understand.

Paula Davis said that about two years after she started her Sunday visits to the cemetery, her brother and two sisters told her she needed to pull away from the other military moms. Her son, Army Pfc. Justin Davis, was killed in June 25, 2006, in Afghanistan, and now rests between the graves of Anderson and Barnhurt’s sons.

“It was like an intervention," she said. Her siblings had imagined Davis’ weekly visits as tearful wallowing sessions.

Beth Belle hugs Gina Barnhurst near their sons graves at Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington, Virginia on May 18, 2014.
Beth Belle hugs Gina Barnhurst shortly after arriving at Arlington National Cemetery.Kris Connor / Today

“They were just worried I wasn’t moving on,” she said. “I looked at them and explained that this has been my lifeline. This is what has helped me. Going there has helped me more than a therapist, than grief counseling. Talking to this group has been the reason why I’ve done as well as I’m doing.”

Even today, all the women say people express concern over how often they visit the cemetery.

“They can’t believe you’re still coming here years later. ‘You don’t just come on Veteran’s Day and Memorial Day? You go every Sunday?’” Davis said. “I remember someone asking me, 'At what point do you stop going?' And I said, 'I don’t know.'”

The women will make a special trip on Memorial Day, although Barnhurst finds the holiday stressful because of the additional visitors. 

“We have to arrive early," she said. "They close the gate at a certain time because the president or the vice president will lay a wreath at the Tomb (of the Unknowns) and there are lines of cars who come just to see the president and not a loved one.” 

The women usually make a day-long picnic out of the holiday. Belle sets up a canopy and everyone brings sandwiches, fruit and drinks.

Beth Belle poses for a portrait next to her son Nicholas Cain Kirven's grave at Arlington National Cemetery in Arlington, Virginia on May 18, 2014.
Beth Belle pauses by the grave of her son, who was killed in Afghanistan.Kris Connor / Today

By now, the women have shared so many memories of their children that they feel as if they actually knew them during their entire, shortened lives. Andy loved to invite neighborhood kids over for Thanksgiving. Justin wanted to be the next big screen martial arts star. Nicholas was a musician and peacemaker. Eric was deeply rooted in his faith and considered becoming a chaplain.

I feel like I know Andy and Justin and Eric better than I know a lot of my friends' kids,” Belle said.

The women tried to expand their circle into a more formal support group for parents. They held monthly meetings in a centralized location donated by a military service organization, but stopped the effort after a year because few others attended. Toward the end, it was just the four women.

Davis said she feels compelled to visit her son every week, but realizes that parents mourn differently.

"We all share the fact that we bond over the loss of our sons, but everybody’s grief is unique,” she said. “Because someone doesn’t come doesn’t mean they’re grieving any less.”

Band of mothers

Slideshow  14 photos

Band of mothers

Paula Davis, Xiomara Mena Anderson, Beth Belle, and Gina Barnhurst meet nearly every Sunday at Arlington National Cemetery while holding vigil at their sons’ grave sites. Since 2006, the mothers have found in each other a community, camaraderie and comfort that no grief therapy session could match.

Anderson, Barnhurst, Belle and Davis have various theories about what brought them together so many years ago, but they all agree it probably had something to do with their sons.

“I do feel like they had something to do with this, to help hold us up because they wouldn’t have wanted to hurt us through their death. They knew we needed something,” Belle said.

“I think they’re still taking care of us.”

Remembering the fallen:

Army Cpl. Andy Anderson, 24. Died June 6, 2006. Anderson played basketball and football throughout high school and studied kinesiology in college before deciding to enlist. His favorite holiday was Thanksgiving, when he often brought neighborhood kids home and would ask his mother, “Can you fix them a plate to go?”

Army Pfc. Justin Davis, 19. Died June 25, 2006. Davis was a martial arts enthusiast who loved both football and theater arts. He often told his mother, “I don’t want to be an average Joe” and always tried to “live large.” He planned to attend college in Los Angeles after his service so he could pursue an acting career.

Marine Lance Cpl. Eric Herzberg, 20. Died Oct. 21, 2006. Herzberg was a rugby player who also played pick-up football games whenever possible. He was deeply rooted in his Catholic faith and contemplated becoming a military chaplain. He loved books by J.R.R. Tolkien and J.K. Rowling – and the animated comedy series, “South Park.”

Marine Lance Cpl. Nicholas Kirven, 21. Died May 8, 2005. Kirven learned how to play the piano at age 4 and was composing music by the time he was in high school. He never forgot birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays, even while overseas. He loved to disguise his voice with an accent when calling his parents’ voice mail to leave a joke. 

Eun Kyung Kim is a TODAY.com writer based in Washington. Follow her on Google+ or on Twitter.