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Will Smith
Kevork Djansezian  /  AP
Will Smith definitely needs to do more romantic comedies. Give us some love scenes, please.
msnbc.com contributor
updated 8/29/2005 1:48:07 PM ET 2005-08-29T17:48:07

People who know I graduated from a women’s college assume that I have gathered precious little information about men.  They have it bass-ackwards:  Graduates of all-estrogen fests are, in fact, connoisseurs of the breed.  By not living amongst men, we gained the ability to objectively scrutinize them from afar, not unlike Shetland ponies in the wild, or amoebas. 

And, of course, we examined them on screen.  I recall flinging a fistful of Sno-Caps at the head of a date who had the temerity to refer to Brad Pitt in “Se7en” as, quote, “suspender dude”:  “There’s still only one sin left!  When’s suspender dude going to get in gear?”  The poor boy didn’t realize that you’re not supposed to look at Brad’s suspenders in “Se7en” any more than you’re supposed to admire his cow-inspired clothing in “Legends of the Fall.” 

Being shiny on a 16-foot screen, however, does not necessarily bring The Sexy, or even The Likable.  The more an actor freaks out offscreen, the more he detracts from his ability to sink into his character.  My grandfather hated Sinatra for this very reason.  “I don’t like how that man treated Nancy,” he would say, 49 years after the fact. And I don’t like how Brad threw over Jennifer, or how Tom threw over sanity.  Can’t trust them.

I don’t know that you can particularly trust me, either.  After Seth Green’s performance in “The Italian Job,” I became somewhat… attracted, if only because his character possessed the ability to stop traffic in downtown Los Angeles.  That’s hot. 

Then I hit the internet and realized what I was getting myself into.  Ohhhhhhhhh, Seth was the ‘Cha-CHING!!’ commercial guy in 1991.  Well.  That’s gonna knock you down a couple notches. 

Then I read that he once announced the following:  “There are two types of people: Michael Jackson fans and losers." Thanks, Scott Evil, it’s been fun.

Left standing:

Sean Astin (34)

Sean Astin
Debbie Vanstory  /  KRT
Shut up, okay?  I love me some Sean.  There is, of course, a lot of him to love in “Lord of the Rings.  But he is a friendly mound of flesh.

“Rings” Sean was pure of heart!  “Rudy” Sean was pure of heart!  Sometimes a girl just wants to tear apart a nice boy. 

My fierce protection of Sean and general “meh” reaction to Orlando Bloom has cost me many a friendship, but I am a very pale person, and Orlando is also very pale in “Rings,” and were we to mate and produce a baby, it would likely burst into flames when exposed to direct sunlight.  I am sorry, Orlando, but Sean and his dorky Notre Dame jacket have won the day.  It’s for the children. 

Shut. Up.

Antonio Banderas (45)

Chris Weeks  /  AP
You kind of get the feeling that Antonio owns a remote-control operated wine bar.  And an excellent sound system, with a five-disk CD changer.  Yes, surround-sound, a full-bodied red, and Antonio.  Don’t forget your accent, Antonio.

Tom Selleck (60)

Tom Selleck
En2  /  WENN
He chucked the mustache, started dating Monica Geller, and all kinds of mojo started to sparkle around Tom.  It made things… uncomfortable when he portrayed Dwight Eisenhower last year, but if Tom’s involved…  Shake it, Ike!

Michael J. Nelson (41)
Nelson has perhaps the sexiest back of the head in all of cinema.  Best known as the host of TV’s “Mystery Science Theater 3000”, he stretched the role of man-mocking-the-movie-while-flanked-by-his-two-robot puppets in new directions with… “Mystery Science Theater 3000:  The Movie.”  He now provides commentary tracks for such horridness as "Reefer Madness" and "Night of the Living Dead."

The attraction of Nelson is that of The Protector: He will deflect its evil power of the bad movie with his Carol Channing impressions, making Patrick Swayze films safe again for you and me.  

John Cusack
Suzanne Plunkett  /  AP

John Cusask (39)
“Has aged very well,” a friend typed when I asked for her input.  More importantly, John is just so saaaaaaaaaaad.  I have never seen an actor who has lost (but found again!  right before the closing credits!)  so many on-screen women.  We see John morosely plodding through rain-soaked streets, snow-strewn streets, lawyer-riddled streets.  Women love sad. We love sad because we like to think that we can fix sad. John, may we fix you?

Harrison Ford
Chris Weeks  /  AP

Harrison Ford (63)
Harrison has made an entire career of being rugged.  I heard that Harrison works with park rangers in Wyoming to rescue lost hikers, and one time he lowered his helicopter to pick up some stranded girl, and she got airsick and hurled all over him.  This, if I ever met Harrison Ford, is likely the circumstances under which we would make our acquaintance.

He fell, screaming, from my list a few years ago when he decided that you know what would be really cool?  An earring!!  Then he began accessorizing with Calista Flockhart instead, and continues to creep towards redemption with the earring-less likes of “Sabrina,” and — I’m almost afraid of this — a fourth installment of the Indiana Jones films.

Will Smith (37)
Will shoots at aliens, and then he mocks them, and then he raps about them.  We (heart) Will, if only for leaving behind the neon pants of the “Fresh Prince” era.  Bravo, young charismatic Will.  Well-played.

Viggo Mortensen
Dan Herrick-kpa  /  ZUMA Press

Viggo Mortensen (47)
At first I couldn’t get past Viggo’s name, which sounds like an unfortunate form of pureed green beans.  But Viggo is a poet who also speaks Swedish, so if he doesn’t mind going by — for instance — “Pete” in the sack, we shall admit him to the boudoir.

Heath Ledger
Frank Trapper  /  Corbis

Heath Ledger (26)
Heath Bar is perhaps the most active period warrior history of cinema.  He’s a medieval knight!  No, he’s a Revolutionary War soldier!  Let us send Heath to Ancient Greece, that he may compete in the original Olympics, which were conducted entirely in the nude. 

Hugh Jackman
Chris Pizzello  /  AP

Hugh Jackman (37) 
Hugh is the type of man who make women turn to their significant other in the seat next to her and smack him in the arm:  “Why can’t you turn into a wolf/save America's soul /travel through time on my behalf?”  He’s probably responsible for at least 40 percent of the divorce rate.

Freelance writer Mary Beth Ellis runs BlondeChampagne.com, which to her knowledge has never been visited by Heath Bar, clothed or unclothed.

© 2013 msnbc.com.  Reprints


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