• July 24, 2004 | 9:30 a.m. PT
Five-link Friday
I'm taking a short break from commercial carping to offer up another five-link Friday.
• Link o' the week: Take a Caribbean cruise with . Please tell me someone's going to push them overboard before the thing's half over.
• You see, I'm just not getting enough calories from my daily mocha, I need to head on over to my nearest Krispy Kreme and drink an , the chain's new frozen drink that is described as "our signature taste, which defines our original glazed doughnuts, is captured in a creamy frozen blend...add coffee and it's like having coffee and a glazed doughnut swirled in your cup!"
• Another jolly good year for the Bulwer-Lytton bad-writing contest. Martha Stewart may have , but I prefer . Like the winner in the Adventure category (Bulwer-Lytton has categories?): "The legend about Padre Castillo's gold being buried deep in the Blackwolf Hills had lain untold for centuries and will continue to do so for this story is not about hidden treasure, nor is it set in any mountainous terrain whatsoever." And I also got a kick out of: "The thing that goes back and forth inside the old grandfather clock swung like a pendulum."
• A good one for food snobs: Italian cookbook author and foodie legend Marcella Hazan . Says Hazan: "There are 60,000 recipes in Italy. Why do they have to invent new ones like Lobster Spaghetti?"
• Remember waaay back in May, when "Survivor" awarded a viewers'-choice million-dollar prize ? According to all his winnings are gone, although really, I hardly count a college fund and two houses as "gone." It's not like he spent it all on coke and hookers. (Via .)
• July 22, 2004 | 6 a.m. PT
The commercials just keep on rollin'...
Ooh! Ooh! Mist-ah Kott-ah! I finally saw one! A decent commercial that doesn't make me feel like an idiot or lunge to hit the MUTE button because it's just so darn loud.
The commercial in question is for , and it starts in a busy restaurant kitchen where the stoves are sizzling and the chefs and waiters are yelling. (Anyone who's worked in a restaurant knows...there can be no place louder when the place is packed, the waiters all in the weeds, and all cylinders are firing.)
Our main character, presumably a chef, whirls around the kitchen working non-stop. Then the voices fade out and we see him in the subway heading home, with just quiet music in the background. Aaahhh...work is over. Then we see him at home making Uncle Ben's rice in the microwave -- I think it takes him about a minute before he and his wife are sitting down eating in the quiet twilight. I guess the point is that he works so hard all day at the restaurant that when he comes home, he just wants an easy, quick meal that makes his wife think he spent all day on it.
I like so many things about the ad--the lack of annoying sell-sell-sell voiceover; the fact that the person seen cooking is the husband, not the wife; the gentle background music. It just works. Doesn't offend, doesn't insult. Just works, and gives me a good feeling about their product. If only there were more like that. Because seconds before that ad came on, I did have to dive for the mute for yet another annoying "take this pill to get your sex life back" commercial. Oh, you few good commercials, you are all but lost among the sea of awful ones.
More reader responses:
Commercials we hate
“As far as stupid commercials, the one I laugh at all the time is the one for the herpes drug where they show a woman saying 'I have a life to live.' Well duh, she had a life all right, enough of a life to get an STD.” —Mike
“I understand that they actually changed the toe-fungus commercial where the little fungus thing lifts up the toenail because people complained it was too disgusting. The original made my skin crawl, so whenever I saw it coming, I switched the channel. Also, the most disturbing commercial? There's one for allergy medication featuring a woman walking a dog. Every time she sneezes, she inadvertently yanks on the dog's leash, and the dog gets visibly annoyed. She takes the dog to the park, takes the leash off, and the dog runs off! Moral: Take our allergy medication or your dog will run away!” –Erin
“Actually, I'm just thankful that i don't know anyone who has so little imagination -- or so pathetic a life -- as the two guys in the Sonic commercials. Surely their mothers would have smothered them.” --Jim
“Amen about the silly Listerine commercial! I mean, come on, that's like saying ‘now you don't have to ever brush your teeth!’ with the stupid ticker every other frame saying ‘brush daily or your teeth will rot.’ You know another commercial which I loathe? Levitra! I mean, ‘if a tender moment turns into the right moment,’ I do not want to know about it!” --Mark
“Hands down, the number-1 commercials that make me want to puke are the c-a-l-l-a-t-t with that freak of nature Carrot Top. He might possibly be the most unattractive man to ever be on television. No one gets that excited about long-distance phone companies ripping your head off with their rates.” -–Ray
“I find that if Royal Caribbean Cruise Lines couldn't bother to actually listen to the Iggy Pop ‘Lust For Life’ song that they use in their ‘happy family fun’ commercials, what else haven't they bothered to do? If you're not familiar with the song -- here's a snippet: ‘Here comes Johnny Yen again / With the liquor and drugs / And the flesh machine / He’s gonna do another strip tease…’ ” --Laura
“Crest Whitening Expressions. First of all, who wants a toothpaste with a flavor of Fresh Citrus Breeze? Secondly, this ad features chef Emeril Lagasse. He sneaks outta bed to brush his teeth and is so overcome by the intense flavor, he stops a few times to yell out his signature ‘Bam!’ loud enough to wake the neighborhood. That wouldn’t make me want to buy the toothpaste. It would, however, make me never want to live next to the guy. (Also, what does this say about his cooking? Tastes like toothpaste?)” --Kim
“How about the Time Warner Cable commercial featuring the avid TV watcher named Harold? … The commercial follows the spineless Harold from adolescence to adulthood as both his domineering mother and wife dictate to him when and for how long he can watch television. Harold is sent to his room or to mow the lawn just as his favorite television shows are starting to heat up. … His salvation finally comes when he is grown man in the form of Time Warner’s introduction of Digital Cable. …What’s the message here really? Can Harold not think for himself? Does he need the intervention of a strong woman to help him get his television monkey off his back? With its haunting pseudo classical music score and fifties-esque series of protagonists, this commercial at the very least is baffling. Or maybe after having seen it ad infinitum, I simply had no choice but to read into it lest its weirdness melt my brain.” --Adam
You liked that? Readers sometimes disagree
“Someone said they liked the 'Thank you' ads being run by Citibank. I had the opposite reaction. It appears that some gross faux-pas or misdeed can be covered up by changing the subject with a ‘Thank You.’ So that leaves me with the impresssion that Citibank is trying some public relations slight-of-hand: perhaps saying Thank You to distract me from their poor customer service and high interest rates?” –Anonymous
“My boyfriend loves those Snapple commercials where the bottles are dressed up as people and attend the running of the bulls except the bulls are hamsters. I think it is pathetic and really low-tech.” --Kamisha
“I actually like most of the Geico commercials. Some are not funny, but most of them are. My favorite has to be the soap opera satire where the guy who consoles the girl by telling her she doesn't have to cry. Relieved, she asks him if he's leaving Jessica. He responds insensitively, "No, but I saved a load of money on my car insurance…’ I find the commercial more funny due to the satire, not necessarily what they say. Oh, and Geico's insurance was actually more expensive than my current insurance provider. But at least their commercials are funny.” --Nick [Editor's Note: You know, I think maybe I thought that one was a little funny the first time. But it’s on every other minute, and I am so sick of it.]
Still looking for a few good ads“The only good commercial I can remember is the one where ‘telling the truth is not always a good thing’ and a man walks into a boardroom and announces he's sorry for being late, he was at a job interview and he thinks he nailed it.” –David
“The current Six Flags Theme Park ads are brilliant with the old man, Mr. Six, gently hobbling off a bus and then all of a sudden breaking out and dancing like a fool. And the music is catchy too — and refrains from becoming the typical "I've-heard-it-a-million-times-and-it's-driving-me-bonkers" kind of tune.” —Amanda
“I have a commercial that I will never forget, and it aired during the Superbowl a few years ago. The 'Top Gun' theme was playing in the background while this bird was flying trying to catch up with a freshly washed car. I wish I had that on tape because I loved that commercial.” —Mike
“I love the commercial for a cell phone company with the young man who's the first of his gang to get a real job. One of his buddies calls on his cell phone to make him guess how many cookies he has in his mouth. Another time the whole gang calls him to chant in unison into the phone: ‘Bring home toilet paper!’ I love those. They are very reminiscent of my idiot buddies. I relate.” —Jeremy
[Editor's Note: Heh, that one is great. I'd watch a series of ads about those guys.]
“Haagen-Dazs ice cream -- absolutely gorgeous lush photography, virtually no talking. Just a joy to watch!” —Mark
“My favorite commercial is the Starbucks ad starring Survivor. Singing a song about the guy walking to work, set to the ‘Eye of the Tiger’ song, that he might just make a good ‘SSSUPERVISORRR.’ Then the next guy gets on the elevator and the song starts again with the new guy’s name. I have TiVo, and I have actually saved a show that has this ad.” —Bethany
"At the present, my favorite is the one where car chassis and parts are seen being tossed into a large field-type area, and then cut to the designer not happy with the drawing he's working on, balling up the paper and throwing it away — showing that these real car parts are actually his drawings hitting the garbage can.” —Lynn
• July 21, 2004 | 6 a.m. PT
When commercials go bad, reader-response edition
Oh yeah, we touched a nerve. Even though the mailbag feature on Monday's column on horrible commercials was broken for a time, your responses still poured in.
The number-one commercial you hate? Pepto-Bismol's conga line of nasty stomach and bowel problems. (Thankfully, I have managed to miss this one so far.)
Number two? Geico's series of ads in which someone in an otherwise vital situation (visiting a client in jail, being confronted by a girlfriend over cheating) blurts out that nothing else matters because they saved money on their car insurance. Oh, and Geico? We're not too fond of the dang gecko, either, according to the mail.
Here's a roundup of some of your other responses:
They're bad, they're bad, they're really, really bad“There is a commercial for some sort of women's razor that shows leggy models shaving their legs in a waterfall. Yeah right! For one thing, anyone who has ever been in the river anywhere knows that the next thing you want to do when you get out is take a shower. Second, did anyone consider that to get to the waterfall, they would have to hike a ways? Not in the pretty, coordinating towel set, miss. Shaving on the rocks is just not that appealing, either. Furthermore, how often do women get together and have shaving parties, anyway?” —Kelly
[Not to mention that the beautiful little waterfall is now clogged up with someone's hair. Yeah, I want to swim there. Truly paradise.--Ed.]
“My favorite commercials are the "Ask your doctor if ____ is right for you!" How am I supposed to know if _____ is right for me when I don't know what ______ is supposed to do?” —Ruby
“I am not a prude or squeamish at all, but the one where the woman plugs the hole in the boat with a tampon offends me. I can't really explain why; it's just disgusting.” —Deanna
“Don't get me started on the drug company ads that give a quick requisite rundown on all the potential adverse side effects. In effect, this will make you feel great but may kill you!” —Norman
“I've noticed this trend too, but since I don't watch much T.V., my experience has been limited to bad radio commercials. Del Taco (Taco Bell knock-off) does commercials that go like this: "There once was a guy who loved Del Taco tacos so much that he decided to tell the world how great they were. Unfortunately, he spontaneously combusted before he was able to tell anyone. This has been a mostly true story from Del Taco." WHAT??? So I want to eat a product that may cause me to spontaneously combust?” —Amber
“I hate any commercials where you can hear the actor biting into the product — the worst are the Quizno’s commercials (yes, I remembered the name, if only to boycott the company), in which a wet crunching sound can be heard with each ‘num’ uttered by the announcer.” —Paul
“How about the lovely new Pepto commercials? Can you imagine going to auditions for this, and every child in America is doing the dance, how embarrassing. I'm pretty sure I know how I feel if one of these ailments hits, but I sure don't want the rest of the world to know nor do I want to know about them!” —Robin
“My new least favorite commercial is the McDonald's ad showing two sketchy guys and a couple of chicks they've picked up heading off to the beach. At one point in the commercial the girls are shown taking off their tops in the backseat because ‘things are getting hot.’ The two guys in the front seat give each other a look and then are seen checking out the girls (now in their bikini tops) in the rearview and side mirrors. The voice-over lyrics are now saying "Jaaaaaaaaaaackpot"! I think that the viewer is supposed to think they are excited about stopping at McDonald’s but that is clearly NOT what's going on.” —Laura
“I’d also like to recommend the ‘I'm lovin it’ commercials from McDonald’s where young athletic kids gather around heaping bags of grease.” —Gabriel
“One word: GEICO. If I see (or for that matter hear) one more ‘but I have good news...’ commercial, I will scream. The commercials were cute at first, but after the 1 millionth time, only someone with short-term memory problems could possibly find them anything other than completely annoying.” —Tara
“I absolutely hate the commercial for Pledge which uses Aretha Franklin's "Respect" in the background, sans lyrics, of course. Why would using a wood polish earn me any type of respect? Should respect be based on how clean my house appears? Besides part of the song refers to someone else helping me out and respecting me, so unless I'm buying it for someone else to clean my house, I find the whole idea ridiculous!” —Alexandra
“The Cialis commercial where all the men in the neighborhood come dancing out of their houses after a night of passion. If all the men in one neighborhood have this problem they better start looking into the drinking water.” —Rose
“I absolutely hate the commercial about the woman with genital herpes! I am sure you know which one I am talking about. She and some guy are out riding bikes, swimming and hanging out...all the while she has genital herpes and is so happy that it is no longer running her life. She is free. Honey...if you have genital herpes you had better stay on your side of the bed...I don't care what wonder drug you are on.” —Lisa
“I detest the Bounty ads. When they first appeared I just could not stand the waitress calling her customers clumsy or some such thing for spilling a cup of coffee. She said the Bounty will clean the mess and proceeded to wipe the spill. No, I haven't forgotten the name of the product with the disgusting ads, I will always remember to buy anything else. That's exactly what I've done for over twenty years.” —Lawrence
“Proof that some junior-level ad exec got his big break after a night of drinking on the job is any telephone long-distance service that thinks I'm going to sign up with them because any combination of Alf, Hulk Hogan, or Carrot Top tells me it's a good idea. I mean please... ALF!” —David
Looking for a few good ads“To be fair, how about the Outpost.com commercial with the gerbil cannon? That was, far and away, the funniest, most surreal, not to mention effective, commercial I've ever seen.” —Anonymous
“I really like this new commercial where the couple is sitting in a restaurant and the woman says ‘Why haven’t you proposed to me yet?’ or something along those lines and then the man says ‘Thank You’ and then its all OK.. the point of the commercial is that people need to say thank you more.” —Kasey
“We absolutely love the identity-theft commercials. They are funny. We have TiVo too but we will stop for those.” —Tracey
And a little general commentary“What I'm surprised is that you don't think Americans are that stupid! Time and time again experience and polls and tests have shown that America really IS stupid enough to buy into all those products' advertisements.” –Anonymous
“Some people would say 'Hey dummy, the commercial worked, you remembered it.' And they would be right, yes I did remember it. And I remember it and how stupid it makes everyday people look every time I walk past their product in the grocery store aisle and buy their competitors' products.” —Brad
• July 19, 2004 | 9:15 a.m. PT
When commercials go bad
With the advent of TiVo and other personal video recorders, I feel like I've been watching fewer commercials than I used to. Maybe that's why I've become super-sensitive to the ones that I do see, many of which are just horrendous. Here are just a few that I've noticed lately:
• The showing cartoon bears running around with the product? Seriously, is this whole ad campaign based on that dumb old joke about what bears do in the woods?
• The ad for that spends the entire commercial trumpeting "As effective as flossing," then flashes a tiny graphic on the screen "Floss daily." But if you're as effective as flossing, why would I need to — never mind.
• The car commercial featuring the Dandy Warhols' great song, but with an artful edit. They play the lyric that goes "You've got a great car..." but somehow neglect to play the next line, which of course is "What's wrong with it today?"
• An ad featuring a whiny yuppie woman whining about how with work, kids and cleaning the house, she has no time for passion in her life until she took the advertised medication (yeah, I'm not going to link to them). The next scene shows her jumping on the bed, something she'd no doubt shriek at her kids for doing. Get it? Passion via pill! Presumably they can't show her doing other things in the bed, so jumping will have to suffice. I end up hating this whiny woman so much by the end of the ad that I wouldn't touch their product if you paid me.
• The ad for a that sets up a bizarre comparison. One woman has to find her dog's leash, catch her large dog, shove him into the car and drive off to the vet to get his medication. The other woman, presumably, just has to dial a number. But what makes no sense to me is why a phone order is supposed to replace the dog actually going to the vet. Either the dog already has a prescription for whatever the heck is wrong with him, thus he can stay home while the frazzled first woman sails off to the vet, or he doesn't, in which case even Telephone Woman is going to have to take the pooch somewhere. Sometimes TV-commercial makers treat us like many politicians do — as if we're too stupid to make even the most basic connections.
I'm going to address one note that I know I'll get before it even is written: I know someone will write and say "Hey dummy, the commercial worked. You remembered it." Well, a) I remembered that I hated it and that the company in question did not respect me, and b) I had to do Web searches to discover or verify the name of every single product mentioned here. So no, I didn't remember it.
Oh, I'm just getting started. Send in descriptions of your least-favorite commercials and why they're stupid, and we'll discuss. To be fair, go ahead and send in descriptions of some good commercials too. I'd add some here but I honestly can't think of any at the moment.