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TODAY contributor
updated 2/15/2013 10:06:45 AM ET 2013-02-15T15:06:45

Dr. Gilda Carle

Need a quick answer to a relationship dilemma? Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle cuts through the fluff with her relationship advice in TODAY.com’s “30-second therapist” series.

Q: My boyfriend of two years and I moved in together five months ago and our sex life has become non-existent. I admit it's taken me time to adjust to having him here, and I've been a bitch on-and-off since he moved. He lived alone for seven years. We've talked about how my bitchiness has turned him off, and I've done a lot to become less difficult. But our sex life is still non-existent, and I miss that part of our happy life. I can kick, scream, cry, smile, ignore, gently discuss, or break out the lingerie, and still never receive sex when I come on to him. I don't know what else to do, and I feel like a sex-crazed high schooler who can't focus on anything else. I fear this lack of intimacy will ruin our relationship. He knows this, and says he's working on it, but so far ... nothing. I think talking about it with him makes him retreat further, but I do know he's going to a therapist about it. What else can I do? I'm 34 and in my "peak." I so very much want this connection back. —Reformed

Dear Reformed,
After seven years of living alone, it took courage for boyfriend to commit to losing some of his independence.  But as soon as he made the move, he discovered his sexy lover was a serpent in disguise—and, as is typical, his man parts reacted.  He’s questioning his sanity in leaving peaceful environs for chaos with you. Good for him for seeking therapy! It’s also good that you’ve accepted your role.

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You say you’ve improved and that you’re horny, so now he should perform like an off-on spigot. My Gilda-Gram™ warns, “Optimal sex requires obvious caring.” Girl, he doesn’t trust you! Over time, you’ll have to prove you’re the lady anxious to love this man! If he believes you, his vigor will rise again. —Dr. Gilda

Q: My girlfriend of a year left me after she heard me telling my best friend on the phone that I found another girl attractive. This was just "guy talk." I love my girlfriend, and was starting to make plans for our future. It’s been a few days since she left, and she lives in an apartment where all my friends live. So now I have no one. I miss her and I want to get her back. How do I go about doing this?

When we met, she thought I was sweet-talking another girl, so I deleted my Facebook and secluded myself to eliminate temptation. Our relationship blossomed after that. But now it’s over. Please help. —So Sorry!

Dear So Sorry!,
Well, guy, you just learned about the perils of macho posturing! But you and your girlfriend need to also learn that you can love someone deeply, yet still find other people attractive.  Healthy love is not a chokehold! Tell your girlfriend this and discuss it peaceably. Until you both understand the true nature of relationship, jealousy will derail any partnership either of you has.

The other lesson here is to have a wealth of friends from different arenas so you aren’t alone if one disappoints you. No matter what happens next, change your attitudes about love, so your next romance has a better chance of survival—whomever your girlfriend is. —Dr. Gilda

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