Q: My long-distance boyfriend and I broke up four months ago. We dated for a year and were very happy. He ended the relationship with the excuse that I was getting too attached and couldn't stand not seeing him all the time. So he ended it rather than get more serious. However, he immediately started dating a new girl, and they’re still together. I am still very much in love with him. I’ve been on a few dates to try and get over him. It's getting better, but I still cry a lot. How do I move on? Is it wrong that I'm holding on to the notion that he still has feelings for me, and this girl is just a rebound? —Hanging On
Long distance relationships are tough; you need to constantly be making travel provisions, and if it’s serious, have a definitive deadline for someone to move. Some people who resist closeness deliberately opt for LDRs. But since we attract who we are, girl, question your own resistance to propinquity.
Unless you’re missing a glass slipper, immediately dump that Cinderella fantasy of Prince Charming’s return. Instead, spend solo time mastering a skill you’ve always wanted to learn — aside from dating. Developing this skill will immerse you in a new activity and introduce you to people with similar interests. When you can finally exude happiness, you’ll attract a partner ready for emotional presence—no matter where he lives. —Dr. Gilda
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Q: I've been dating a guy for almost five years, and I’ve become critical of some of his quirks. In fact, I can't find anything nice to say about him anymore. His feet stink, he noisily chews his food with his mouth open, and his snoring keeps me up all night. I don't want to spend personal time with him. But if I left him, I'd miss the fun we have when we're traveling or when we’re out and about. We enjoy so many of the same things.
I’m a depressive, so I know this is all me. He's a confirmed bachelor who will not change, and we’re probably not a good combination, but we've been friends for 20 years prior to dating. Sometimes we go a whole week without contact, so I'm sure we could survive separately. How do I get over this? —Betwixt and Between
Dear B and B,
When you ask, “How do I get over this?,” what is the “this” to which you refer? Do you want to get over this relationship, this guy, this friendship, or your punishing critiques?
I doubt if you’d like boyfriend better if he were less slobby or sloppy. Admitting “it’s all me,” do you think you could tolerate anyone’s personal hygiene? You enjoy spending time with him in activities, but you dislike the intimacy. My Gilda-Gramexplains, “Sex is often the first casualty of love incompatibility.” So if he agrees, travel together and return to the way it was when you were friends.
It’s fraudulent to continue this charade. Five intimate years together mandates you use your own personal hygiene to come clean with the truth.
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Dr. Gilda Carle is the relationship expert to the stars. She is a professor emerita, has written 15 books, and her latest is “Don’t Bet on the Prince!”—Second Edition. She provides advice and coaching via Skype, email and phone.
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