It's been 17 years since Kurt Cobain's shocking suicide, but Courtney Love still hasn't been able to make sense of her late husband's death.
"If he came back right now I'd have to kill him for what he did to us. I'd f---ing kill him," Love tells Vanity Fair. "I'd f--- him, and then I'd kill him."
Love insists Cobain tried "to kill himself three times" and says he overdosed "at least five times" before taking his own life.
"I was the f---ing E.M.S. I was always sticking pins in his balls," Love recalls, adding that she often carried around Narcan, a drug used to jolt overdosing heroin users back to life.
Adding to 47-year-old Love's woes? Her estranged relationship with daughter Frances Bean, 18, who emancipated herself from Love two years ago.
"All I can feel is how much I love her," Love says woefully. "I'd give anything to hear the sound of her heels walking down the hall past my bedroom."
Then there's Love's "fraud" theory, which consumes her day-to-day life. The former drug addict hired Vanity Fair contributing editor Nancy Jo Sales to help her recover an estimated $250 million in missing Nirvana money.
According to Love, she and Cobain always had money problems. "We could never find our money!" she tells Vanity Fair. "We had $135,000 in our bank account. They said that if he would go do Lollapalooza he would make $11 million. Do you think Kurt would have killed himself if he had known he had $54 million?"
The rocker bases her estimates off her Twitter followers' predictions.
Love's music manager, Jonathan Daniel, hopes Love will one day be able to move past her "fraud" theory and reignite her stagnant career.PHOTOS: Courtney and other controversial star moms
"What's heartbreaking to me is that she's very capable of earning seven figures easy without any help from Nirvana right now, but it's hard for her to work or for others to want to work with her when she's so consumed with fraud."
Copyright 2012 Us Weekly