>>>
back now at 8:11, the absolute betrayal. what if you found out your spouse was cheating and it happened in the bed you share? could your marriage be saved? that is the focused of an article in today's "new
york
times." meredi we have more.
>>
good morning. there is always pain when a spouse cheats and we have seen that. are there lines that should not be crossed. for many, the marriage bed is the ultimate betrayal. marriage is a sacred but vulnerable institution, a partnership that can weather up an downs and even infidelity. what if it happened in the bed you share with your spouse?
>>
it would be over. i would be upset and couldn't handle it.
>>
not only cheated on me but completely disrespectful.
>>
the marriage bed, is a very old-fashioned word, remains sacred.
>> reporter:
joyce wrote about the marriage bed in the "new
york
times."
>>
bringing another person into the marriage bed you share with your husband or wife is the ultimate betrayal for most people. the marriage usually does not survive.
>> reporter:
randy kessler, a
family law
attorney says some of the toughest divorce cases is when the person discovered their spouse cheated in the marriage bed.
>>
an affair especially in the marital home or marital bedroom, it gets hotter and hotter and causes protracted litigation because people have to get over that before they can resolve the case.
>> reporter:
the final act of betrayal might have financial consequences.
>>
if they discover they were in the
marital bed
, they might not be as generous towards one spouse than they otherwise would have been.
>> reporter:
taking a poll in, 28% said their marriage would not survive an affair outside the home but it jumped to 54% of women if it happened in their marriage bed.
>>
women believe their homes and especially marriage bed are sacred.
>> reporter:
the marriage bed is especially important to men.
>>
i had a client who came home one night and found his wife in bed naked and looked in the closet and found another man. it took a long time for him to get over it. i'm not sure he still has.
>> reporter:
once the marriage bed has been tainted, the damage is difficult to undo for couples trying to work through it.
>>
if you're cheating within the
marital bed
, that's a place you're returning to every night. what happens to your memories? it's something you almost can't escape.
>>
the
bottom line
is most of these situations, surprisingly, do end up in
divorce court
but the "new
york
times" heard cases where people were so enraged, they took matters into their own hands. one woman even threw a lit match on the bed with her husband still in it. they suggest people who have been betrayed reach out to professionals to work through their anger.
>>
thank you very much. judith is a clinical psychologist. good morning. the consensus seems to be, there is cheating and then there is this.
>>
right.
>>
what does it say when a spouse uses the
marital bed
to have an affair?
>>
to the betrayed spouse, it is a very loud, ugly, non-verbal message. i dismiss you, i have replaced you, and if this bed symbolizes our marriage, i am fouling the nest. that's a pretty difficult message to get past.
>>
is that what has happened in this minds of the person who has done it? is it about somehow getting back, throwing it in the person's face or is something else going on here?
>>
mostly, it's about i'm enraged and i want to hurt you. there are two other scenarios. one is i need to implode this marriage and get out and i'm hoping to either get caught or maybe i'll confess and give you something you can't forgive. the other is, i am really cheap. i'm so cheap, i will do what's easy. i don't even think about you.
>>
could it be i'm impulsive and the situation arises and i happen to be in whatever --
>>
the happen to be whatever is a small percentage. i don't think nannies around the world need to be thinking about that.
>>
not saying the nanny, but whatever.
>>
in fact, it is an act of aggression, experience and act of emotional aggression, even if it was simply the most callous spouse in the world said, hey, i'm here, this is easy. in new
york
,
hotel rooms
are expensive.
>>
women see this as the ultimate betrayal. the men feel the same way about it?
>>
oh, yeah.
>>
they do?
>>
not necessarily related to the bed. a man who is dealing with an unfaithful wife, where the lover came into the home has invaded and violated, takes control, says, you get out of here, never let this man back, let's not speak of this again. a woman will become very emotional about the symbolism of the bed and the memories of the bed and the feelings about the bed. but in both case, it's a stab in the heart.
>>
how do you get over something like that? according to that poll, more than 50% say they couldn't of women.
>>
people do get over infidelity. the further outside the marriage, the easier, a stranger on the road is easier than acquaintance at the office, easier than my best friend and now we have my bed. number one, you have to stop the affair. you would be surprised at the number of people who want to get over infidelity and continue the affair. number two, a long period of trust building. number three, in this specific case, you have to burn the bed. you have to replace the bed.
>>
not with the husband in it.
>>
not with the husband in it. in the one case i've had in my practice, they had to move.
>>
really?
>>
the wife said, i'll stay in this marriage but i will not be back in that home. we need to renew the marriage by renewing the foundations in the physical sense. that makes a lot of emotional sense, don't you think?
>>
absolutely. maybe it's good news, in this "new
york
times" article, they talked to therapists and divorce lawyers. the majority had not seen this or very rarely do they see this.
>>
because even in infidelity, we want to respect our spouses. it sounds ironic. even people having affairs will have little rules for themselves themselves, i never mention my wife, my husband having financial problems but i don't bring that up to my lover because that would be disrespectful. we have some internal sense of integrity. this violates all of it.
>>
judith sills, thank you so
