American couples have a dirty little secret

Most don't like to tell their better half about spending habits

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>>> this morning on "today's" relationships, your spouse's secret spending. according to a recent survey. 80% of all married people hide bills from their spouses. so what do you do if you suspect your partner doing it or may you're the secret spender. good to see both of you this morning.

>> good to see you.

>> congratulations getting in on a day like this. what does this actually mean, this study mean?

>> what was shocking in this survey was almost one out of two couples said that if their spouse knew how much money they were spending secretly, they might leave them. to me this was the ultimate wakeup call because financial infidelity is more serious than anything we have ever talked about. couples had -- 18% of couples said they had a credit card they didn't tell anybody about. what they're really fighting about is their debt.

>> and it's interesting too, in this study, it's different what men spend and what women spend, women more likely clothing and gifts. men alcohol, music and dating sites.

>> you know what? it's not surprising. these are the things that the person wants but thinks that their spouse would look down on or say, i don't want you to get that or i don't even understand why you get that. and the dating websites is of course about the fact that men are more likely to cheat than women, but women are doing it too.

>> and given the fact that probably everybody does a little bit of secret spending. where's the point where it becomes detrimental to a relationship?

>> here's the thing. it's about is this a consequenceal purchase. people fill their gas tank , they buy their kids socks. the problem is that you can fool yourself into believing, use denial to say this wouldn't matter so. what you have to do is loudly ask yourself what would my spouse say if i said, hey, honey, i'm getting x, how do you feel about that? if you can imagine that --

>> you probably already know the answer.

>> you probably do know the answer and if the answer is a negative one and you go ahead and do it, it -- it's not so much about the dollars, it's about the by tray yal.

>> what about the debt part of this?

>> for couples today, they do fight about why did you buy this? but really what couples are afraid of is being broke often. what couples should do is coming clean , how much debt do you actually have? a good way for couples to do this, to be very honest, pull their credit report . because all the debt is listed and sit down once a month and say let's not fight about what we spend, let's look at how we make progress. because if we're shrinking our debt, we're making progress. if our debt is growing each month, we're not making progress. it's not about what we're spending money on, we want security.

>> our philosophy, our plan, have we come to some sort of agreement? maybe we get a separate pot and each of you can decide how to spend it.

>> it goes back to being on the same page. as a couple, you need to be a team. if you're separating this right now, you're not working as a team together. you feel separate. whereas when you're working on a team, you're coming together.

>> what is their plan? do they want to have separate pots so they don't have to ask the other person, or do they feel like we really should run everything together. and if you're having trouble with this, see a therapist, see a financial planner who can help you budget.

Show transcript

Image: Businessman with dollar bills in his sleeves and crossing fingers

Fuse / Getty Images/Fuse

TODAY staff and wire

updated 12/27/2010 10:58:59 AM ET

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The real taboo in American relationships is not sex. It's money.

A national survey or more than 200 people reveals about 80 percent of spouses acknowledge making secret purchases. To compound this dirty little secret, nearly one-fifth (18.5 percent) of those married admit to having credit cards their spouse knows nothing about.

"Sex isn't the last taboo, money is," says Jean Chatzky, personal finance expert and TODAY Money contributor. "We feel a lot of shame and embarrassment about things we want that we think our mate wouldn't value or worse would blame us for buying."

Story: How to avoid family friction over finances

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The survey, conducted for CESI Debt Solutions, reveals 38 percent of married couples are concerned the revelation of their financial unfaithfulness would result in their spouse seeking divorce or separation. Some 43 percent said they wanted to avoid an argument.

What are Americans buying that they don’t want to share with a spouse? Most, 34 percent, don't want them to know about that new item of clothing or accessory or food/dining (24 percent). Most troubling perhaps is that 24 percent of respondents said they will never tell a spouse about their spending habits.

Chatzky says one of the big reasons for hiding purchases is that only one spouse handles the family finances and doesn’t want to tell the one in charge. "It becomes too parental," she says. "That in turn is the furthest thing from romantic."

Hiding purchases from a loved one can signal the beginning of the end, explains Gail Saltz, relationship expert and TODAY Money contributor. "Lying to your partner about (money) is basically a kind of betrayal (and) diminishes the trust between you. Loss of trust usually ends a marriage.

"Financial infidelity," says Saltz, "can be as bad as sexual infidelity in terms of the hurt and destruction it causes."

How can someone resolve their habit of hiding the truth?

When it comes to money, Chatzky says, both spouses should have an active role in family finances. She says that includes setting goals, paying bills and deciding how to spend the rest.

If someone feels they've dug a hole too deep to speak to a spouse, Chatzky suggests getting help from a therapist or a compassionate finance advisor who can help put a spending plan in place.