1. Headline
  1. Headline
By
TODAY contributor
updated 11/11/2009 3:47:40 PM ET 2009-11-11T20:47:40

Q. I admit that I am a mechanical lover. My partner wants me to be more “organic” and “hip” about pleasing her and pleasing myself, but I am too old to rewire how my mojo works. I am proudly old school, not a young’un anymore.

  1. Stories from
    1. Peaches Geldof Died of Heroin Overdose: Coroner
    2. Starbucks Mobile App Will Soon Let Customers Pre-Order Coffee
    3. RHONYC Recap: Aviva Drescher Angrily Tosses Her Artificial Leg Across a Restaurant
    4. Is Zoë Saldana Pregnant? See the Telling Photos for Yourself
    5. PHOTO: Kerry Washington and Nnamdi Asomugha Visit Disneyland

She wants to go away to a fancy “sex resort” where we can safely explore all of our needs because it is thousands of miles away from our regular lives. What do you think?

A. Both of you have a point. Your partner feels uninhibited and wants to make uninhibited love with you, which is a good thing.

You, however, are happy to stay within your comfort zone. You like what you know and you know what you like. Stepping out of that comfort zone is unpleasant enough that you don’t want to do it. It makes you anxious and uncomfortable.

You need not be young to be uninhibited or to bolster your sex life. It is true that the older you get, the more difficult it is to make changes. It is not impossible, though.

Stepping out of your regular life and routine, on a vacation or in some new environment where you have a chance to reinvent yourself, does lend itself to trying new things on for size. You might feel more free, romantic or uninhibited, which can spark a change — the kind of change that is less likely to happen when you are stuck in the same old routine.

But you needn’t go to a “sex resort” to have such an experience. It is a good idea to get away from a familiar place, but “sex resort” implies more than individual couples enjoying themselves. Such an environment might be too much for you.

Instead, any kind of resort will probably do. You don’t even need a resort. A vacation equals play, and play can bring “playful” back into sex.

If you are already feeling inhibited, a “sex resort” might be too extreme for you. You might feel so uncomfortable and so out of your element that the attempt backfires and you just retreat further.

I suggest your goal be to meet in the middle. I wouldn’t necessarily suggest a “sex resort,” but rather a sexy resort. This is different for different people. For some, it means a warm beach or ocean. For others it means a snowy mountain where you can cuddle near the fireplace.

If she says she wants more out of your sex life and you admit to a minimalist style, you are acknowledging that she has a point.

It is a great idea to explore each other and try to push the envelope a bit. Clearly, this issue does matter to your partner. She is dissatisfied with the mechanical old-school lover that you acknowledge you are. If you refuse to make changes, she may lose interest.

She wants you to take action. Tell her you will, but you must do so one step at a time.

Furthermore, it is fun to try new things. Let her bring along some things she has in mind — sexy clothing or lingerie, maybe toys, maybe pornography or other accoutrements that you are willing to try.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: If one partner wants to spice up their sex life, doing so is helpful and healthy for the relationship.

Any ideas, suggestions in this column are not intended as a substitute for consulting your physician or mental health professional. All matters regarding emotional and mental health should be supervised by a personal professional. The author shall not be responsible or liable for any loss, injury or damage arising from any information or suggestion in this column.

Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to TODAY. Her most recent book is “The Ripple Effect: How Better Sex Can Lead to a Better Life” (Rodale). For more information, please visit www.drgailsaltz.com.

© 2013 NBCNews.com  Reprints

Discuss:

Discussion comments

,

Most active discussions

  1. votes comments
  2. votes comments
  3. votes comments
  4. votes comments

More on TODAY.com

  1. TODAY

    video Keir Simmons reports: Conspiracy theories grow around MH17

    7/23/2014 11:28:28 AM +00:00 2014-07-23T11:28:28
  1. GPS monitoring fail: Some felons continue to prey despite bracelets

    When high-risk criminals leave prison, many must wear ankle bracelets with GPS monitoring. But an NBC News investigation uncovered cases of parole officers asleep at the switch, allowing violent offenders to strike again. Jeff Rossen reports.

    7/23/2014 11:44:27 AM +00:00 2014-07-23T11:44:27
  1. Why 7 hours of sleep a night may be better than 8

    For years, we’ve heard that we need a solid eight hours of sleep. And, for years, we’ve heard that we’re terrible at getting it. Well, what we’ve heard might be wrong.

    7/23/2014 11:34:13 AM +00:00 2014-07-23T11:34:13
  2. How much sleep do you get? Take our survey
  1. Jenna Bush Hager: 5 things I've learned from my Gampy

    My grandfather has really always astonished me. On this milestone — his 90th birthday — I thought about how much I have learned from him.

    7/23/2014 10:43:31 AM +00:00 2014-07-23T10:43:31
  2. video George H.W. Bush talks to TODAY about turning 90

    video Check out the extended, full-length interview that President George H.W. Bush gave to his granddaughter, TODAY correspondent Jenna Bush Hager, around his 90th birthday parachute jump.

    7/3/2014 8:13:54 PM +00:00 2014-07-03T20:13:54
  3. video Barbara Bush to son: Your dad was the best president

    video TODAY correspondent Jenna Bush Hager talks with her grandmother, first lady Barbara Bush, and her father, President George W. Bush, about their picks for history’s best president and first lady.

    7/22/2014 8:17:09 PM +00:00 2014-07-22T20:17:09
  4. Courtesy of Jenna Bush Hager
  1. How do you feel about sex (over 50)? TODAY wants to hear from you

    Do you want attend a special focus group on sex and intimacy after 50? TODAY is looking for women and men who are interested in attending an event on July 29 with Dr.

    7/22/2014 12:25:55 PM +00:00 2014-07-22T12:25:55