Congratulations, Katie Holmes, on your long-awaited nuptials! Frankly, we were starting to worry that maybe Tom Cruise would never “buy the cow,” if you catch our meaning. We all breathed a sigh of relief on Nov. 18 when you and the man you dreamed of marrying in high school finally tie the knot at that 15th century Italian castle in front of several hundred of your closest associates, many of whom you’ve been casually acquainted with for practically a whole year.
Do we call you “Kate” now, as Tom insists? You are, indeed the “remarkable woman,” Tom incessantly describes, bucking celebrity fashion and making your own baby rather than adopting one of those trendy third-world kids. And with so many celebrity break-ups, it takes a leap of faith to make your first Hollywood husband a guy whose first two actress wives are living happily ever after without him.
Not that we’re trying to freak you out. Just because sure-things like Britney and K-Fed, Reese and Ryan, Jessica and Nick, and that country singer from “Dancing with the Stars” and whomever she was married to, couldn’t make it work, doesn’t mean you need to worry. Why, you have everything a blushing young bride needs: Something old (your fiancé); something new (baby Suri); something borrowed (Scientology); and something blue (your family). But even if your folks are estranged, as rumors contend, we’re here for you. And since there was no talking you out of it, we’ve got some advice on keeping your marriage strong.
Cultivate outside interests. Or at least stop wearing matching outfits. Seriously, you may fit into each other’s black pants, black t-shirts, black jackets and sunglasses but that’s no excuse. It’s getting confusing, and anyway, on you Tom’s trousers are high waters.
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Nurture intimacy. Every day, for at least one minute a day, stop waving, take off your matching sunglasses, relax your blinding rictus grins and make Tom actually look at you instead of the cameras.
But not too much intimacy. Kiss on that adorable baby all you want, but please, stop slobbering on each other every time you’re in the public eye. We get it. You’re in love. You have sex. The baby proves it. Now, please exercise some decorum. For us. We haven’t kept a meal down for over a year.
Get your story straight – before you leave the house. How is your relationship faring today? “Super In-Love?” “Gushingly Ga-Ga?” “Over-The-Moon?” Obtain the 411 from hubby first thing, and when the flashbulbs start, you won’t have to lock on Tom with one of your creepy stares, as if silently imploring him to guide your every mood.
Support your husband’s career. Remember, it was Paramount head Sumner Redstone‘s spouse Paula that got Tom’s production company axed from the studio when she told her husband that Tom “turned off all women.” Now that Tom’s heading up United Artists, ensure surrounding executives that chicks honestly do dig your man.
P.R. friendships can turn into real friendships. Despite that previous post-partum depression smack down with Tom, Brooke Shields seems to enjoy your company. And how’s the alleged “high-level minder from the Church of Scientology,” Jessica Feshbach Rodriguez? She’s been your best friend since you and Tom started dating – and she’s really good at answering your interview questions. That’ll come in handy at PTA meetings.
Beware of ambitious young starlets born around 1989. As you may have gleaned from the tabloids, Tom chooses his wives at 11-year age-intervals; Mimi Rogers (b. 1956), Nicole Kidman (b. 1967), and of course, you, the new Mrs. Cruise (b. 1978). To be safe, it’s probably best if you just stopped aging all together.
Review emergency procedures (and program your cell phone accordingly). Above all, Tom is a Good Samaritan. Why just recently, you both stopped on the road to aid at the scene of an accident. In 1998, Tom stopped a mugging. And in 1996 he rescued a family at sea. So remember, when danger strikes: 1. Dial 911. 2. Attempt CPR. 3. Text publicist.
Learn how to entertain. As a new wife, you’re bound to meet many new faces – ex-wives, Tom’s adopted children, and a whole bevy of C-list sitcom Scientologists such asLeah Remini, Kirstie AlleyandJenna Elfman, forwhom Tom’s chartered a private flight to attend your wedding in Italy. And as with your wedding, never ever under any circumstances invite Oprah. Tom should always be the most famous person in the room.
Forget about marriage counseling. Psychology is, as Tom told Matt Lauer, a “Nazi science.” Just like with your new best friend Brooke’s post-partum depression, there’s nothing wrong with your marriage that vitamins and exercise can’t fix.
Remember, you’re Kate Cruise now. We hear that unlike his previous wives, you may take Tom’s last name. We understand that after you and Tom hooked up, you quickly canned your manager, agents and publicist. You also dropped out of the career-making Edie Sedgwick bio-pic “Factory Girl,” allegedly because Tom disapproved of the sordid material, that your nude scene in “Thank You For Smoking” was cut for the same reason, and you even turned down an Oscar nomination for that same role. Further, despite your talent and previously prodigious career, you have no projects in the works. But Katie – er – Kate, it’s okay to keep acting. Hey, Tom’s production company might get you a little something. Women need a hobby – just as long it doesn’t cross into career territory. You don’t want to end up like that poor Nicole Kidman, dumped via press release while filming “Moulin Rouge.”
And most importantly, don’t make a sex tape. Tom might find it.
MSNBC contributor Helen A.S. Popkin is just jealous.
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