I am, thankfully, nowhere near the red carpet. This is because I'm nobody. I'm in a living room in a San Fernando Valley home full of gays. TVs are on throughout the house. It's a “Brokeback Mountain”-themed party of course. There are white chocolate sheep on the dining room table. One of them has been sliced in half and decorated with blood-red icing. These are my kind of gays. I just hope I can hear the TV through all the squealing. Gays get their loud on when they watch the Oscars.
I've been here since the beginning of Ryan Seacrest and Isaac Mizrahi's red-carpet thing for E! There's a fake watching party going on behind Seacrest in a lounge at the Roosevelt Hotel. Do aspiring actors use that sort of thing for their reel? “Look that's me, standing by the faux-topiary in the tangerine dress drinking a mocktail. Ryan told me afterwards he thought I was really present.”
For the next few hours (or how ever long it takes) I will be here to give you commentary on all the goings-on at the Oscars. To receive the most current content make sure you refresh your browser. Enjoy!
4:05 p.m. PST
M. Night Shyamalan made an American Express commercial. You'll see it later tonight. Earlier Ryan Seacrest gave us all the inside scoop on the making of that commercial. After that they cut to the the Ameriquest Blimp. Then it was back to the fake party where Seacrest asked Ludacris who was the bigger fake pimp, Luda or Terrence Howard.
It was decided that Luda was the biggest fake pimp.
Next it's Naomi Watts showing up to Ryan's fake party just fake-chatting casually about the Lexus Hybrid with Seacrest, extolling its virtues. Then? A Lexus commercial. That's a funny coincidence.
Isaac Mizrahi talked to Matt Dillon but I didn't hear anything they said because the E! cameras were focused on Gary Busey as he staggered up the red carpet.
Hilary Swank and Chad Lowe are in couples counseling. I cared about that and you should too.
Tyson Beckford showed up the fake party to fake-chat with Ryan. Cut to a segment taped earlier with Tyson taking off his clothes for charity.
For a second you could actually see his junk in the white boxer briefs he stripped down to. It's always dirty when Seacrest is around. He tried to untuck an “American Idol” contestant’s shirt this week on live national television. He's jealous of Isaac's instant fondling-inspired fame.
Keira Knightley did the model hunch on the red carpet. I want every actress to try that. I want a hunch-off to break out. It won't though.
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I never get my way...
Michelle Williams is going to be crucified for that awesome Kinkos No. 48 Goldenrod dress by Proenza Schouler. But she looks rad. Look, I'm right. Safe is for losers.
Now it's Ryan and Reese in couples counseling. The guy from US Weekly says, “The non-stop speculation doesn't stop!”
Tons of young ladies have Jessica Tandy hair tonight. It's the new oldness. Seacrest's hair is old tonight too. He's gone all browny. He should stay blond I think. He's already made of margarine.
4:20 p.m. PST
I'm watching Jane Seymour walk up the red carpet holding a tiny black guitar. I want her to sing "Smells Like Teen Spirit" and smash it when she's done...
Seacrest and the US Weekly are talking about Nick and Jessica's divorce. Did you know that Jamie Foxx disapproves of Nick asking for anything in the settlement? Because, you know, it's Jamie Foxx's divorce too.
It's so great that Jessica Alba has a crappy tattoo. She just told Isaac that she eats desserts. That's why you can see her sternum.
4:34 p.m. PST
Why isn't Sandra Bullock with her hot husband Jesse James? The camera's going crazy! Three shots at once! I don't know what to look at! Which empty blathering should I focus on?
Reese is getting out of the car! Now she's walking!
Sandra Bullock just had the unmitigated gall to tell Isaac that “Two Weeks Notice” was the ultimate romantic comedy.
4:50 p.m. PST
Okay, now we're moving over to the official ABC red carpet pre-show with a lot of hosts I've never seen before. I need to watch more Access Hollywood, apparently.
More and more gays are showing up to the party I'm at. Gays take the theme seriously and they're all wearing western shirts and little neck bandanas.
Okay commercials are over. Felicity Huffman is talking to that dude from MTV, whatever his name is. She's wearing Zac Posen, she just said.
MTV guy shows Felicity a reel of her “Desperate Housewives” co-stars wishing her luck. MTV dude asks Felicity what that clip meant.
She pauses a moment and the thought bubble above her head reads, "Fiction!"
Jake Gyllenhaal is over talking about The Kissing. Me too. It's acting.
Time for a clip reel about the best picture nominees. Whatever. You didn't see them.
I've been watching this crap for almost three hours now and nothing interesting has happened. I'm worried that tonight's theme is Celebrities: They're Just Like US.
4:55 p.m. PST
Okay here's blonde nutty person Jann Carl, someone I recognize. She's marveling that Sandra Bullock's dress has pockets. POCKETS!
And we're done with the most boring red carpet moments I've ever witnessed.
5:00 p.m. PST
Finally. The show. No more Billy Bush. I feel good that I had to be told who Billy Bush even was. Of course I'm soiled for life now that I DO know who he is. He is the Victory of The Null Set.
5:16 p.m. PST
The opening is a video game where you get points for blasting away as many iconic film characters as possible. Look, there goes “Blue Thunder”!
We're hip this year. I think THAT's the theme. But the opening with Jon Stewart in bed with George Clooney intro has convinced the entire house party of homosexuals that Gay is Dead. Oh wait, Stewart says the theme is a Return to Glamour. Now Gay really is Dead.
A cut to Charlize Theron who has apparently just come from Alabama with a banjo on her shoulder.
Stewart's monologue comes complete with a racy coda of clips full of homoerotic moments from classic westerns. I can feel the ire of a million conservative gay-haters boiling up through the wheatfields of this great land.
5:20 p.m. PST
Best supporting actor. I want Hurt to win. I want “Crash” to get nothing. It's the worst of the nominated movies. Giamatti's cool though. And he was great at playing that turtle you have to draw to get into art school.
Clooney's the winner, though, because he's quippy everywhere he goes. And he got fat. Which is unthinkable to most people in Hollywood. So this is an achievement, acting while fat. Oh good he's getting political. I love it when liberals get wild. Okay he can live.
5:25 p.m. PST
Matt Dillon is sitting behind Charlize Theron and he thinks the best supporting actor award is still happening because he can't see anything.
Now a clip with Tom Hanks spoofing the way that music interrupts everyone's speeches now. It's a despicable practice that aborts the possibility of actorly looniness. So Tom, along with John Travolta's hair, are making sport of it.
Best visual effects aka Nerd Corner: I liked “War of the Worlds.” But “King Kong” got it. Okay I liked “Kong” too. Especially the dinosaur fighting stuff. And the head-eating parts. And the soft comfy seats at the Arclight because it was nine hours long.
Reese Witherspoon comes out to present for best animated feature. She looks purdy in that June Carter-ish dress. Some gay to my left is dissing Miyazaki and I'm gonna have to gay-bash him for that. But I liked “Wallace & Gromit: Curse of the Were-Rabbit” best anyway.
Yeah, Nick Park and some other dude in a giant watersquirting bowtie won! I wonder if they spin too.
5:38 p.m. PST
Naomi Watts's Givenchy dress is going to be hated tomorrow. But again, it looks awesome. Everyone but me is wrong.
Time for Dolly to sing! The whole room agrees that Lips are NOT over yet. She's singing "Travelin' Thru (Low Hangers)"
5:39 p.m. PST
Dolly's pantsuit is something she found in a dressing room at the Kodak left over from the Clay Aiken Christmas concert.
5:45 p.m. PST
A clip from “Munich” is shown. The one where they last-minute stop a bombing to save a little girl's life. Because Israel would NEVER bomb an innocent Palestinian child.
Then a bunch of commercials
Jon Stewart makes an AWESOME Scientology joke, right before insulting the Baldwins. Here come the Wilson brothers, who love blush, to present for live action short. I want them all to win. But only one can. “Six Shooter” wins. I need a bathroom break.
Oh good, I've picked a perfect time to use the bathroom. I hate it when they do animated presenters. But the “Chicken Little” characters present for best animated short and their monologue is funnier than all 80 minutes of “Chicken Little.”
“The Moon and The Son” wins and — oh wait, here's Jennifer Aniston.
I hope she's okay. Is she okay? I mean, I'm on Team Jolie but I feel like she's just so.... fragile... right now. She's presenting for best costume. “Geisha” won. How does Jen feel about that? Is she okay?
6:08 p.m. PST
Tin Tin comes out to present — actually it's Russell Crowe and his fakey boyish hair curl — to present nothing I guess. We're honoring the incredible achievements of people who acted in movies about real people. The crowd of predictable gays at this house party cheer for “Mommie Dearest.”
Commercials, and then Will Ferrell and Steve Carell present best makeup looking like Tammy Faye. “The Chronic” wins.
Jon Stewart makes a joke about Russell Crowe getting into fights. Cut to Nicole Kidman. Not laughing. Or maybe she IS laughing. it's hard to tell what Nicole Kidman's face is trying to tell us anymore.
Morgan Freeman, fresh from delivering tablets of wisdom from Mt. Ararat, is here to deliver the best supporting actress award. He flubs up the teleprompter. EASY READER, HOW COULD YOU?!
I want Michelle Williams to win. Or maybe Catherine Keener. I just met her recently. We're buddies now. Okay, not true. I mean, I DID meet her, but she hasn't called back yet. I keep waiting though...
That boring Rachel Weiszcscz, or however you spell it, wins. They can talk James Van Der Beek off that ledge now.
Everyone's well-behaved; everyone's dressed more or less safely; I'm falling asleep.
Lauren Bacall comes out, slowly, slowly, dismissive of the applause, like, "Yeah, yeah, whatever." She seems to be having trouble reading the teleprompter. Ms. Bacall, you gotta show up for rehearsal...
"THAT WOMAN BACALL" is presenting a tribute to Film Noir. Because this was such a big year for Noir.
Then it's a “Daily Show” bit about best actress nominees and smear campaigns.
Terrence Howard presents for documentary short. All of them are about war. “A Note of Triumph: The Golden Age of Norman Corwin” wins.
Here comes Charlize again! I'm obsessed with that dress. It's going to fly off with her in it. She's presenting the best doc for “March of The Penguins.” Oh good, here come the winners all holding giant stuffed penguins. I think every winner should be assigned a stuffed animal now.
Cut to Morgan Freeman, narrator. Standing behind him is J.Lo. She's busy making people cry.
Then she comes out in a stunning dress to introduce whoever it is that wrote that awful “Crash” song.
And it's interpretive DANCE!! Slow motion pantomime! Cars burning!
Cirque du So-Scared...
6:30 p.m. PST
Here come Sandy B and Keanu R, who are two of the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, to present for art direction. I was really rooting for “The Devil's Rejects” in this category but, again, I never get what I want. “Geisha” wins. Whatever.
Sam Jackson, star of “Snakes On A Plane,” the one movie I am sincerely dying to see in 2006, is wearing a brooch. Sam Jackson presents a clip reel of movies that changed social views and...uh... I don't know. Meaningful bummers, except for “9 to 5,” the only comedy that ever taught anyone anything. But wait. Why is one of them “Day After Tomorrow”? Why is another one “Something's Gotta Give”? Why is one of them “Driving Miss Daisy”?
The president of the Academy is here to go blahblahblah. Cut to the bored audience. This is a bewildered bunch of cats. Jon Stewart makes a joke and they don't know if they can laugh or not. Judi Dench is about to whip out the heat she's packing to take this boring dude out. Cut to Mickey Rooney, the 10,000 year old man, who thinks he's at a funeral.
Thank GOD Salma Hayek comes out to wake it up. You can hear the drums going buh-buh-BOOM-buh-buh-buh-BOOM when she walks out on stage. Best score time. Itzhak Perlman violins the hell out of all these moving pieces of inspiring examples of fine musical backup that you will never remember after tonight. My friend Shannon keeps me entertained by telling me that she parks right behind Jake Gyllenhaal every day on the Warner Lot. She says he drives a silver Benzo. Salma introduces the nominees and gently touches herself while doing it. She must have seen herself in the monitor. If I was a chick and looked like her I'd feel myself up too.
“Brokeback Mountain” wins. I still can't remember what that music sounds like.
7:00 p.m. PST
Here comes Shannon's Best Friend Jake Gyllenhaal, looking adorable, wearing David Niven's bowtie from 1971. And here come more clips. This time it's MOVIES THAT NEED TO BE SEEN ON A BIG SCREEN AND OH GOD PLEASE AMERICA START GOING BACK TO THE MOVIES AND BRING OUR GROSSES BACK UP TO NORMAL BECAUSE WE ALL NEED TO BUY GIANT MANSIONS. IT HURTS US TO BE POOR MORE THAN IT HURTS YOU. YOU NEVER KNEW WHAT IT WAS LIKE TO BE RICH AND THEN LOSE IT. IT SUCKS! AUUUUUGGGGGHHHHHHH!!!!!!
7:15 p.m. PST
Time for sound mixing award, presented by Jessica Alba, who was Honey Daniels in one of my all-time favorite movies, “Honey” and Eric Bana, who was in this awesome Australian movie called “Chopper” where he was about 30 pounds beefier and had a million super hot trashy prison tattoos and a killer fu-stache and...uh... I forget what award this is. Oh yes, sound. They read stuff over the clips so you can't hear the sound of the nominees. “King Kong” wins.
Lily Tomlin and Meryl Streep present a Lifetime Achievement Award to Robert Altman. I like them doing the Altman talk-over-each-other dialogue. Cut to Who Gets It In the Audience. Jennifer Aniston is laughing a lot because She Does. Michelle Williams seems confused.
Anyway, this is his We're Sorry We've Snubbed You All These Years And Given Best Director Oscars To Effing Mel Gibson and Kevin Costner Instead Award. Cut to Ziyi Zhang, who thinks Santa Claus is being given an Oscar. He's a dude and most of these phonies aren't fit to carry his luggage.
It's time for the M. Night Shyamalan American Express commercial. He has no pre-set spending limit.
7:35 p.m. PST
Jennifer Garner slips and our party replays her moment, in slow motion, four times with our awesome TiVo remote. Then she presents the award for best sound editing to “King Kong.” Yawn.
George Clooney, The New King of Show Business, presents Who's Dead...
I love Shelly Winters the most because “The Poseidon Adventure” is my all-time favorite movie. I used to hang out at her favorite diner in L.A. just to get a glimpse of her. Then one day I did and I never had to eat there again after that, which is good because the food was awful. I will also miss Arnold from “Happy Days.”
7:45 p.m. PST
Will Smith, who is absolutely not funny, but who gots jokes all the same, is here to present the award for best foreign film. They wanted someone who had never seen a foreign film to present this one.
“Tsotsi” wins. I saw that one. It's like “Three Men and A Baby” but in not-English.
Ziyi Zhang presents for Editing. “Crash” wins. I feel a thousand needles stabbing me in the eyes. Have I mentioned lately in this blog that I hate this stupid movie? That it's the worst of the nominated films? Did I say that yet? Is Roger Ebert reading this? I hope so. He loves “Crash” and super-harshed on me in one of his columns a while back, singling me out by name. Well guess what Rog? It's still awful and you're still wrong.
7:50 p.m. PST
Hilary Swank comes out looking more ladylike than she's ever been in maybe her whole life. It's best actor time. I want Heath. And no it's not because I'm a gay. Joaquin Phoenix mouths the words "I love you" to someone when the camera hits him. Then Philip Seymour Hoffman wins. Yesterday he won the same award at the Independent Spirit Awards. He had a beard then. He shaved since then.
It's cool that he won, because usually schlubs like him don't get to be best actor winners. I ain't mad at him. I still dig Heath more though.
Then they show a “Brokeback Mountain” clip, the one where Heath goes, "This thing gets ahold of us.... and we're dead."
One of the gays at the party goes, "Is he saying, 'Miss Thing?'"
7:55 p.m. PST
Ew, it's John Travolta and his freaky hair talking about DPs. Then that piece of crap “Memoirs of a Geisha,” which JT pronounces as "Mawmwahrs," wins for cinematography when “The New World,” Terence Malick's masterpiece, should have won instead. John Travolta is grinning for an unknown reason.
Jamie Foxx comes out to present for best actress. Reese Witherspoon wins! This makes me happy. I dig her a lot, even in that terrible movie where Mark Ruffalo was in love with Coma Her. She's going to be impossible to live with now. Get ready Phillippe.
8:05 p.m. PST
Please shop at the new youthful glam rock JC Penney, won't you?
8:10 p.m. PST
Dustin Hoffman comes out to present best adapted screenplay. Coolest old codger ever, Larry McMurtry, and blonde bombshell Diana Ossana, win for “Brokeback Mountain.” Diana Ossana has to squat to accept her award because Hoffman is 5-foot nothing on a good day.
Uma Thurman is up next to present for best original screenplay. Bobby Moresco and Paul Haggis accept the award for their simple-minded approach to race relations. They thank Bertolt Brecht.
8:15 p.m. PST
Tom Hanks is back for best director. God I'm sleepy. Ang Lee wins.
NOOOOO!!!! He did NOT just say, "I wish I knew how to quit you." But he did thank me, though, one of the "gay mens" (sic), so that's nice. Then he says, "It's hard out here for pimp" in Mandarin.
8:25 p.m. PST
Jack's here to present for best picture. I'm not shocked that “Crash” wins. Welcome to the People's Choice Awards folks! From now on only heavy-handed, didactic, lunkheaded lowest common denominator nonsense is allowed to win. The beginning of a new era!
I've been drinking Coke all night to stay awake for this thing. Now I need a beer. And to see “Freddy Got Fingered” again to cleanse my palette.
Dave White is the author of the forthcoming “Exile in Guyville.” He blogs at www.livejournal.com/users/djmrswhite
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