April 5, 2013 at 1:35 PM ET
Q: My divorced boyfriend and I recently moved in together. My kids are 17 and 12. His 24-year-old daughter just got married, and his son is away at college. My concern is that he doesn't pay any bills until there is a disconnect notice, and what little bit of money he has left he doesn't manage well. All my money goes to rent, food, gas and necessities. He sends his son money whenever he asks, without keeping track. They are both overdrawn every month. I love him so much, and he's such a kind man, but this is driving me crazy. He also pays for his daughter's phone and her health insurance, even though she’s 24 and married. His ex-wife nickels and dimes him to death down to half his co-pays and prescriptions. I've told him many times that he needs to budget his money, and see where he can cut his expenses, but nothing changes. He will never let me control his money. What do I do?? —Loving at a Loss
Dear Loving at a Loss,
When two people cohabitate, it’s hoped that one won’t have to “save” the other. But you’re already “mommying” your guy-with-no-gonads. Since you’re paying the “rent, food, gas and necessities,” there’s no incentive for loverboy to contribute to the partnership.
It’s unlikely bf’s ex and kids will stop bleeding him, and he apparently enjoys feeling like “the man” with them. He further struts his crushed dignity by blocking your “control [of] his money,” and thereby enunciates his sense of worth with you.
You’ve got a whopping relationship problem! “Such a kind man” is really a wuss you’ll soon disrespect. My Gilda-Gram™ points out, “Loving saviors direct their mates to save themselves.” Either demand equal participation, or find someone more responsible to love. —Dr. Gilda
Q: I cheated on my girlfriend by having a five-year relationship with someone else. I left the home I share with my girlfriend to find myself, and I continued being with both women during that time. Now I’m back home, and my relationship is over with the other woman. But I want to be with her more than anything. However, I’m afraid to break up with my girlfriend, because she’s a good person, she doesn’t deserve my antics, and if I tell her it’s over, she won’t take it well. That’s why I continue to stay. I returned home because I told myself I miss our son, but now I realize that was some sort of excuse. Dr. Gilda, can you please give me some of your hard and truthful advice? —Missing the Other Woman
Dude, the other woman is not all you’re missing. Where’d you drop your maturity genes? You nonchalantly enjoyed five years of dissing the woman and son you lived with to bed down the woman you lusted after. Did you really think you’d “find” yourself by straddling both? Now you want me to sucker punch you with some of my “hard and truthful” advice. At least you know you’re in trouble!
You miss your ex because you can’t have her. Release the air from your inflated ego, leave both half-baked affairs, and practice becoming an independent human! When neither woman is available as your dirty doormat, you’ll have to grow up. Self-respect is a very soothing pain reliever. —Dr. Gilda
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Dr. Gilda Carle is the relationship expert to the stars. She is a professor emerita, has written 15 books, and her latest is “Don’t Bet on the Prince!”—Second Edition. She provides advice and coaching via Skype, email and phone.