30 second therapist

My boyfriend watches too much porn -- what do I do?

April 18, 2014 at 10:58 AM ET

This week, one reader says that she's uncomfortable that her live-in boyfriend watches porn while another reader says he doesn't understand why his girlfriend lost interest in him. Relationship expert Dr. Gilda Carle cuts through the fluff with her love advice in TODAY.com's "30-second therapist" series.

Q: My boyfriend and I are both in our late 40s. He moved into my house after we dated for 2½ years. I knew he watched adult videos on the computer, but I had no idea how often, until he moved in. This disturbs me, and we have talked about it. He says it has nothing to do with me, and he will not change. I feel it has diminished our physical intimacy, and honestly, it makes me feel sad he needs to be excited by watching other women. —Craving Attention

Dear Craving,

As curious creatures, we all enjoy a little rubbernecking. Girl, you knew your man’s proclivities before inviting him to cohabitate—but like many women, you thought you’d change him. Right now, you’re haranguing him, while he defends his viewing habits. However, he might be less titillated by the make-believe if the real were more inviting!

I’m a huge proponent of sexual healing. In his song, “Makin’ This Boy Go Crazy,” Dylan Scott wails, “Oh girl, you make me feel like whoa, Spinning me outta control, with every little move you're makin', Driving me wild, if you know what I'm sayin’.”

Girlfriend, do you know what Dylan Scott is “sayin’”? Either feel intimidated by loverboy’s computer, or create a seductive scenario he can experience with you. Your choice! —Dr. Gilda

Q: I have been dating a lady for the past two years. For about five months, her attitude has changed in terms of communication and visits. I asked about it several times, and the response was nothing. When I call or text, she does not return them. l asked if there was something going on between her and a guy I noticed. She responded no. I was confused and didn't know what to do. About a week ago, I messaged her that we should be friends to see her reaction. Afterwards, she called to ask why, and hung up. Since then, she does not pick up my calls. I also sent texts to apologize. But then I realized she ceased the love she had for me. Should I let go or what? I love her and am confused. Help! —Worried Boyfriend

Dear Worried,

Valerie Harper was told she’d die from brain cancer last year—but she rejected the prophecy. This week, she effervescently promoted her new project, “Signed, Sealed, Delivered,” a heartfelt Hallmark Channel series. Her loving husband stood by her, gloating, “I’m with my best friend of 36 years.” We applauded!

Dude, did you ever display caring like this husband? Did you try to amp up your ardor? You’re no saint! After two years together, you’re crafting games—“to see her reaction”? Grow up! You don’t even know for what you apologized! Girlfriend seems done with you. But as in any exit interview, uncover what really happened. Otherwise, “Without hindsight, yesterday’s headache becomes tomorrow’s heartache,” my Gilda-Gram™ that could be your prophecy.

Model that kind of unconditional, grown-up love to make your next romance last. —Dr. Gilda

Want Dr. Gilda to answer your relationship questions? Send them in!

Dr. Gilda Carle is the relationship expert to the stars. She is a professor emerita, has written 15 books, and her latest is “Don’t Bet on the Prince!”—Second Edition. She provides advice and coaching via Skype, email and phone.

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