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‘Help! I hate my boyfriend’s kids!’

Q. My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years and I really love him. The only problem is that he has three kids (13, 10, and 8 years old) and I hate them! At first it wasn’t a big deal because the ex and the kids live far away from us. They never lost communication and he went to visit the kids every time he could. I actually went with him twice.But now he is seriously thinking a
/ Source: TODAY contributor

Q. My boyfriend and I have been living together for two years and I really love him. The only problem is that he has three kids (13, 10, and 8 years old) and I hate them! At first it wasn’t a big deal because the ex and the kids live far away from us. They never lost communication and he went to visit the kids every time he could. I actually went with him twice.

But now he is seriously thinking about bringing them to live here in our apartment so he can see them every day. That thought is driving me crazy! I cannot stand those kids and I don’t want them here in my house. I know they are his children and he loves them, but I think they will have nothing to do here.

I love him, but I also know he will never love me as much as he loves his kids, and that is upsetting. My mom said that I should leave him, but I'm not that strong. I can’t just wake up one morning, pack my belongings and leave. But neither can I stay and watch him putting more attention to his kids than me. I am so depressed and sad. What should I do?

A. If you were strong, you would figure out why you are having such a problem with the kids, and be more accepting. It seems that you are operating in a fantasy world where you must be the most beloved, actually the only beloved. It is intolerable to you that your boyfriend could possibly love his children as much as, or even more than, he loves you.

The children were in his life well before you were. As you knew when you entered this relationship, this man was already a father of three. The very things that make him a boyfriend worth loving — being a good and caring person — are the things that make him a good father.

If he abandoned his children for you, that would be a red flag that he is someone who might be unable to commit over the long run to you or to anyone.

I don’t know the situation on the other side. It is unclear whether he is trying to take the kids from their mother, whether she can’t or won’t care for them herself or whether she herself plans to move closer. But, unless there is an abuse situation, it is optimal for both parents to be part of their children’s lives. So I commend any father who strives for greater inclusion.

I think you need to investigate your jealousy and insecurity at this positive intention of his. It’s not as though there isn’t enough love to go around.

You have had very little exposure to these children — two visits — so you hardly know them. But children have good radar. If you start off already hating them, they can easily sense this, and chances are high they will hate you back. This will not make it easier to work things out with your boyfriend, assuming that is your aim. He will resent you mightily for driving him from his children, which will erode your relationship.

I see two choices for you: One is to grow up and figure out why you have such a problem with the kids. Why is it impossible to continue your relationship with your boyfriend and also have a good relationship with these children, who are important to him?

Certainly, kids can make your life difficult, especially if you enter their lives as the new “serious girlfriend” or even stepmother, but you say you can’t stand them after just two visits. That is a rash and therefore probably inaccurate assessment. You all need time to warm up to each other and have some fun.

It could be that your dislike is about an idea in your head more than any reality. If the kids were clingy or ill-behaved during your visits, it might be because they get to see their father so rarely. If he were more present for them, you might feel less threatened because they are more settled down.

You could try going for a visit and schedule a fun outing.

You could also try spending more time and effort on them, bringing some interactive toys, calling, e-mailing and establishing your own relationship. But do this only if you won’t abandon them. Don’t be nice enough so they get attached to you and then vanish.

Your other choice is to leave this man. If you are so rooted in the idea that you won’t ever like his kids, and you insist on being his one and only, I would agree with your mother that you should leave him. You can then pick a man who has no children. If you can’t share his love, then you are all better off not living in a constant battle.

Dr. Gail’s bottom line: It is premature to declare dislike of a partner’s children without even knowing them. But children sometimes come along as part of the package — and if you can’t deal with a package deal, it is better not to get involved in the first place.   

Any ideas, suggestions in this column are not intended as a substitute for consulting your physician or mental health professional. All matters regarding emotional and mental health should be supervised by a personal professional. The author shall not be responsible or liable for any loss, injury or damage arising from any information or suggestion in this column.

Dr. Gail Saltz is a psychiatrist with New York Presbyterian Hospital and a regular contributor to TODAY. Her most recent book is “The Ripple Effect: How Better Sex Can Lead to a Better Life” (Rodale). For more information, please visit www.drgailsaltz.com.