Having a tough time dealing with the one guy you're dating? Pick up a couple more! In her new book, “Love in 90 Days,” Dr. Diana Kirschner says dating multiple men is key to finding true love. In this excerpt, she shares why this method works and what guidelines you should use for success.
Chapter three: Dating three to find the one
When it comes to dating, the Bard got it right. Moderation is key. It keeps you from moving too fast or too slow when you’re getting to know new men and what they bring to your table. And the most powerful way to achieve moderation is by using the Dating Program of Three.
The Program of Three is exactly the opposite of the urban legend “three-date rule,” which dictates that you must decide by the third date if a guy is the potentially the One and have sex or lose him forever. On this dating program, you avoid that pressured decision and its aftermath: a Flame-Out that usually kills the relationship. Instead you date three men at the same time without having sex with any of them. By not seeing any one man too often, you find the men who are really into you and who will stay the course. Plus, you break out of your prison of Deadly Dating Patterns and maneuver more skillfully in the dating world. By following this program, you build your self-esteem and find men who are much more fulfilling.
Although the idea of finding, much less juggling, three guys may sound challenging — if not downright impossible! — at this point, let me reassure you: It won’t be once you begin using all the tools you’ll learn in this Program.
Why it works
There are sound biological reasons why the Dating Program of Three rocks!
First of all, it helps you avoid the number one mistake that single women make: the addictive moth-to-a-flame overinvolvement with some new guy who is supposedly the “One,” which you now know as the Flame-Out Deadly Dating Pattern. As Helen Fisher, the renowned anthropologist, describes in her fascinating book, Why We Love, romantic love is a real addiction. It is like shooting up cocaine or heroin, which means reason often goes out the window. When we “fall in love,” our brains make large quantities of dopamine and norepinephrine, which also happens when you take speed! These brain chemicals create the excited, exhilarated, and focused state that allows us to have eight-hour dates and remember every detail about what our new hottie did and said. These speed-like chemicals can also drive up our levels of testosterone, which increases sexual desire.
Second, when we fall in love, serotonin levels fall and resemble the levels found in people with obsessive-compulsive disorders. So we tend to ruminate, fantasize, and obsess about our new (drug-like) boyfriends. The new love is in our thoughts all day and in our dreams at night. Your brain says, Focus on him, focus on him, focus on him.
Once this process takes you over, you become like a craving coke addict. You lose touch with reality, seeing only the positives in the hottie. You lose self-control. Instead you are locked on the target, the fix — hot-wired and ready to do outrageous things, sometimes self-destructive things, whatever it takes to be with him. One look, one sweet word, is all it takes. Even if you don’t really know him. Even if it is not in your best interests. And as you continue to spend more time together, the addiction intensifies. As Homer wrote, you fall prey to “the heat of Love, the pulsing rush of Longing, the lover’s whisper, irresistible — magic to make the sanest [wo]man go mad.”
If you move too quickly into the pulsing rush of love, you put yourself at risk for an agonizing withdrawal if this man rejects you. Then sleeplessness, crying jags, over- or under-eating, obsessive and upsetting thoughts, all mess with your brain chemistry even further.
The Dating Program of Three safeguards you against all these dangers of love addiction. On this program you will see the new hottie less often and have a measured coming together. You will be less likely to lock on to him with a singular focus that puts you at risk. In this way you elegantly avoid getting physiologically and emotionally devastated if it turns out that he is a player or all wrong for you.
The Program of Three also stops you from having sex prematurely. Why is this so important? Simple biology. When you have sex with someone, your body drives up the levels of oxytocin both during the whole sexual act and after you leave the scene. Oxytocin, which has been called the cuddle, bonding, or tend-and-befriend hormone, creates a strong biological attachment. This means that your body may automatically start the attachment process with almost anyone you bed, whether or not you want to be in a relationship with him! Add that chemical to any dopamine surges and you’re desperately waiting for his text, e-mail, or phone call. Jumping into bed too soon means you open yourself to premature infatuation, dependency, and a kind of pseudo-intimacy that almost always backfires. Then, caught in the chemical soup of dopamine and oxytocin, you will likely lose yourself.
Another benefit of the Program is that dating multiple men usually gets the guys’ juices flowing. Some men (especially achievers) are wired to compete and win in the courtship game, so competitiveness gets them aroused. When his reward (you) is not easily gained, his brain will pump out more and more of the rapturous chemical dopamine. Extra dopamine intensifies his feelings of being swept away by love. As one love researcher puts it, “Those who want to trigger romance in a would-be lover might artfully create some mystery, barriers and uncertainty in the relationship.” When you are on the Dating Program of Three, you do not have to fake this quality of not being so available; the program automatically accomplishes this desirable state. As one of my Love in 90 students discovered, “Now I don’t have to pretend. I am hard to get.”
Dating three guys helps clarify what you want and need in a man, because you can easily and instantly compare and contrast. So, for example, when Friday rolls around and “Sean” is cheap and miserly, Saturday’s date with “Randy” will more clearly showcase his giving nature. When you come from abundance in the land of men, you can give yourself many possibilities rather than just one.
Program of Three dating is challenging, but it’s truly empowering. It allows you to be long-sighted and keep your eye on the prize: a lasting, fulfilling relationship that’s just right for you. It helps you end your Deadly Dating Patterns, frees you from the “three-date rule,” and keeps you protected from all the scenarios designed to break your heart. Of course, there are obstacles to creating a Program of Three, but I’ve helped thousands of women do this already, and you can do it, too! Here are all the secrets to get you started on your own Program of Three.
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It’s not as hard as it seems. Drew, a forty-two-year-old single executive with weight issues, was the highest bidder at a charity auction where a mentoring session with me over lunch was the prize. Here’s what she e-mailed me about a year later:
I particularly thought the point of “dating three guys at once” was amusing at first, but then you know ... it worked. Even though at times I knew some guy wasn’t going to be the love of my life, it was still a diversion from getting involved with another guy too fast before I knew it was the right thing. I think this is the best advice ever and have passed it on to several of my friends. Last summer, I joined eHarmony and ended up meeting a really nice guy, although at first not necessarily what I thought I was looking for. We get along great, have tons in common, and it’s by far the most mature and healthy relationship I think I have ever been in. We got engaged this past October while on vacation in Florence. He proposed in front of the Fountain of Neptune in the Piazza della Signoria. We are planning a wedding for next June on Martha’s Vineyard.
Get rid of stinking thinking
In order to work the program, you must cut back on the negative self-talk. I’m too fat, too old, too shy, I have too much cellulite — blah blah blah. Most women also carry around negative self-talk based on scarcity. This kind of stinking thinking compels them to grab the one they’re with. They think, I might as well jump in because there are no good men out there, There are too many women and too few men! or I have to hang on to him because I have to take whatever I can get! and other depressing, self-defeating thoughts. Committing to the Dating Program of Three banishes this stinking thinking.
There is nothing like having three men interested in you to boost your self-esteem. Being on the Program helps you practice the kind of self-loving inner dialogue that is an important key to creating a love relationship that lasts.
Here’s how Joan, a thirty-two-year-old Realtor who had emerged from an empty marriage a year before she started the course, describes working the Program:
It has been daunting to date three men as I never had dated that many at a time. But it is helping me to stay less attached to who I think is “the one.” And with so much attention, it’s strange, but I’m just beginning to feel, “I deserve to be courted. I’m worth it for guys to hang in there and work for me.”
Being selective
As you use two online dating sites as well as social networking to meet a lot of men, you’ll begin to sort through and select men for yourself based on what you want and need. It’s like looking at and interviewing a lot of different companies to see if a job is right for you. This sometimes brings up faithfulness and guilt issues that need to be worked through. Just remember: you are simply turning the tables. Many men have been in this role for years; they have been following a patriarchal tradition of dating more than one woman at a time. In other words, they did the sorting and selecting.
Not anymore. When you begin dating three men at once, you’re shifting the balance of power to be more equitable. Starting now, take a stand for yourself, a stand that says you deserve a great partner. Take your time, learn what is possible in a relationship, and start playing an active role in choosing who you’re with. Don’t wait to be chosen. Now, with all the online and offline possibilities, you have an abundance of men at arm’s reach; you have the ability to pick and choose for yourself.
Okay. Let’s get down to the nitty-gritty of working the Program.
1. Use the three-question dud/stud test
Use the test below to determine whether a guy is worth putting into your Dating Program of Three. These three questions separate a DUD (Definitely Unworkable Dude) from a STUD (Seriously Terrific, Utterly Devoted Dude) and weed out those who are heartbreakers or not good love matches. There is no perfect guy. But you can find a wonderful guy who is willing to grow into an almost perfect STUD!
When you meet someone, ask yourself the following questions.
Is this guy:
I. Crazy About Me? (Program of Three Contender = Yes on at least 4 of the below)
- Eager to see me
- Reluctant to leave me
- Interested in me and my life
- Wants to be helpful
- Is verbally and physically affectionate
- Wants to be sexual with me
- Acts like I am very special; doesn’t really want to date others
- Willing to hang in there as I work the Program of Three
II. Willing to Grow? (Program of Three Contender = Yes on at least 2 of the below)
- Takes suggestions or advice
- Is self-reflective
- Is willing to go to therapy or life coaching
- Takes growth courses
- Meditates or prays
- Was or is in a 12-step program or men’s group
III. Meeting the Basics? (Program of Three Contender = Yes on at least 4 of the below)
- Is a good guy — reliable, tells the truth, cares about others
- Wants a real, committed relationship
- Willing to have children if I want them
- Is successful — has a good income
- Is a member of my religious faith
- Is not in a relationship with anyone else
- Comes from a stable family of origin
- Is geographically desirable
You will read more about these criteria in the next chapter, but for now I want you just to get an overview of the three critical questions. A guy has to meet the standards in each of the categories to date you on an ongoing basis. Choosing from this pool of men will save you a lot of wasted time with men who are not into you, scoundrels who betray you, or narcissists who blame you for any and every problem. Using the DUD/STUD screening sets you up to have a solid, long-lasting love relationship. This means that your partner is your best friend, but with great sex.
I know, I know — you can’t even get one good guy to date. Yes, you can, and you will. The Program of Three will get you there.
2. Don't pass on the ones that are not your type
If a guy passes the three-question test, give him a real chance, even if he is balding, paunchy, nerdy, or is not particularly attractive. In fact, you want to date against type. Even if you are not exactly blown away by a person on the first date, remember to stay open. If he passes the DUD/STUD Test, go for at least a second or third date. You cannot know what secret goodies are hidden in someone just by meeting him once.
You have to let a potential partner unfold and show you his different sides. If there is any connection with this person at all, give it another chance. Even if you feel there is no chemistry. Chemistry can happen in a heartbeat.
Remember, you are breaking your Deadly Dating Patterns, which have led you to be attracted to guys who were not right for you. Love almost always comes in a surprise package; most people do not end up with the kind of person they imagine for themselves. The woman who dates starving artists marries a rich, balding lawyer. One of my students who was deeply infatuated with a hot George Clooney look-alike later created a gem of a marriage with a short, plain guy who was her champion and a healing force of nature in her life.
3. Use the open (Opening Possibility Exercises Now) techniques with guys who are not your type
If a guy passes the DUD/STUD Test — he seems crazy about you, is willing to grow, and is a good guy — use my OPEN Techniques to see what may be there. First, think of him as a present wrapped in nested boxes. As you interact with him, you are unwrapping the present and finding out more and more things about him that may be wonderful and open marvelous chemistry and connection!
Try using one or two of these affirmations before each date: I have fun with this man. I see the hidden possibilities in (his name). This man is a present for my enjoyment. More will be revealed about this person. I uncover and enjoy the wonderful aspects of this man. I find chemistry with (his name). This guy is a hottie! (His name) turns me on!
Second, go on dates that are exciting, novel, and get the adrenaline pumping. This simulates the speedy brain chemistry of love. Go on a roller coaster at the amusement park, rock climbing at your gym, take a helicopter ride, try hiking on a high, winding trail or windsurfing, make a mad dash to catch the sunset at the beach, scream yourselves silly at a football game or the racetrack. Studies show that people who are emotionally aroused, whether by joy, fear, or any feeling, fall in love more easily. As two love researchers once wrote, “Adrenaline makes the heart grow fonder.”
Third, see him in his element. Plan a date around skiing, a performance of his rock band, a wine-tasting event, or whatever he excels at. You will catch sides of him you haven’t seen before. His personal power and charisma will be at their height and just may open up a host of juicy feelings.
Fourth, to open up chemistry, try turning yourself on first. Go on a date wearing your sexiest lingerie under your clothes. Flirt with him, get touchy-feely, whisper in his ear, and maybe kiss him. If he suddenly comes back with some sensual, sweet, mind-blowing moves, your “chemistry experiment” may prove to be a sparkling success!
Excerpted from “Love in 90 Days” by by Diana Kirschner. Copyright (c) 2009, reprinted with permission from Hachette Book Group.