Pizza is an extremely controversial subject on the internet. We worship at its saucy, cheesy altar — which might be the problem. Everyone wants to protect its honor — but everyone has their own opinion on how to do that. Some people put pineapple on it, or pile lettuce on it and call it a salad; others eat it with a fork and knife, or even heat it up in the microwave — while some folks won't stand for this type of behavior.
No other food seems to drum up this type of hysteria — though guac comes in close second (if you recall The New York Times' pea guacamole controversy of 2015). Think I'm exaggerating? Examine these case files, if you will, of recent alleged crimes against pizza, and take notice of what kind of fury erupts inside of you.
Kiwi Pizza
Fruit on pizza is not new (we'll get to pineapple pizza in a moment). People even put banana on pizza for some reason. Which is why we weren't exactly shocked to see kiwi make its way onto a cheesy pie.
A Swedish man named Stellan Johansson took some kiwi to his local pizzeria in Skottorps and asked that they use it to top a pizza for him. He took a photo for his Facebook, then someone promptly stole it, posted it on Reddit and the rest is viral history.
The Reddit poster called the pie "an unholy abomination," but Johansson, who told TODAY he did it because he had too much of the fruit, really enjoyed it, describing the taste as "sweet and sour." Many commenters on Reddit actually seemed open to the idea, expressing curiosity over disgust.
"Yeah I’m curious if it would taste as how I am imagining it, which isn’t too terrible, I suppose," one wrote.
Another seemed similarly intrigued: "I could almost taste the combined flavors of the cheese and kiwi — its saltiness and its sweetness and tartness respectively. Like it could be a good flavor combination much like that of cheese and grapes or berries."
This is a compelling argument, and we won't knock it 'til we try it, but, you know, there's also pepperoni.
Pineapple Pizza
This is the most polarizing of all pies. A self-identifying pineapple pizza enthusiast on Twitter claimed she was given $5 back because the pizza place couldn't stomach the idea of ruining a perfectly good pizza with the tropical fruit.
While hosting "The Nightly Show" in the U.K., notoriously foul-mouthed chef Gordon Ramsay made his stance on the issue clear: "You don’t put f—ing pineapple on pizza."
And the president of Iceland seems to agree. When asked how he feels about the sweet-and-salty pie by a high school student, he said he would actually pass a ban on pineapple as a pizza topping if he had the power to pass laws on his own.
Rainbow Pizza
The blogger behind Oh Bite It showed the world that pizza was not immune to the rainbow foods trend, swirling every shade of food coloring known to (wo)man to create this "psychedelic, unicorn-ish" pie.
The comments ranged from "crazy cool!" to "toxic chemical $#!+storm."
Mayo and Pea Pizza
Twitter user @FOX152 unleashed this creation upon us, and the internet's response was a resounding "no."
"This is literally the single most inappropriate thing I've ever seen on the internet," wrote one not-at-all hyperbolic commenter.
Taco Pizza
Tony Boloney's in Hoboken, New Jersey, doesn't just have Taco Tuesday — they have Taco Pizza Tuesday. Their 30-pound pizza has 22 tacos on top of it and a big pile of guac and sour cream in the center. It's $80 for a pie, and $10 for a slice. Taco 'bout pricey. (Sorry.)
But, seriously, how do you eat that?
Canned Spaghetti Pizza
The prime minister of New Zealand, Bill English, puts canned spaghetti on pizza — and is proud enough of that fact to post it on Facebook. It seems he enjoys pineapple, ham and chopped tomatoes on top of the spaghetti, too.
He even divulged his culinary techniques with his fans, saying the secret to using canned spaghetti on pizza is to drain out some of the liquid. (Or, you know, don't use it at all.)
Peeps Pizza (Peepza)
That's marshmallow Peeps melted on a cheese pizza. It's a thing; we swear.
The original Peepza hatched back in 2010, thanks to Adam Kuban, the editor of Serious Eats' now-defunct Slice NY blog. But the Peeps pizza has recently resurfaced on Twitter, causing quite the uproar.
So, naturally, we had food world celebs like Martha Stewart and Bobby Flay try it.
"It tastes disgusting, actually," said Stewart. Hopefully, Peepza can now go away forever.
Crazy Crusts
Crusts are a whole other issue. Pizza Hut stuffs them with cheese, KFC Singapore makes them out of fried chicken and people looking for a healthier alternative to traditional pizza dough have turned to cauliflower.
But the most debatable crust substitute is watermelon. Healthy food bloggers have created "watermelon pizza," which is watermelon cut into slabs, like a pie, and then covered with with yogurt or cream cheese and topped with berries. Can this really be considered pizza? Really?!
Proper Pizza Etiquette
Unfortunately, we all know people who eat pizza like this (ahem, John Kasich and Bill De Blasio):
But there's no disrespect greater than holding a pizza like this:
It seems that pizza is a glaring exception to the "to each their own" rule — because, well, if it ain't broke, why fix it? Call us simple, but we've tried all these odd ornaments, and we still think there's nothing better in the world than a thin, crispy slice of pizza with just the right amount of sauce, perfectly melted cheese and a sprinkle of crushed red pepper — eaten with our hands.