Feb. 5, 2013 at 9:15 AM ET
Breaking news: It took four years, but Chelsea finally passed her GED exam! Don't judge. Like Amber Portwood, the imprisoned "Teen Mom," this unemployed mama had a good excuse for stalling -- for instance, a Dierks Bentley concert, her unleashed pet's fatal accident and sobbing every time her loser boyfriend Adam "hurts her heart." Plus, she only has three or four free babysitters for daughter Aubree. Now, at age 21, this girl is going places: She also got accepted to beauty school!
Chelsea earned that tinsel tiara she's sporting at the party to celebrate not only her success but dropping "that weight I was carrying around" -- what papa Randy calls "about 165 pounds of douche weight" named Adam. (Of course, Chelsea continues to pine for her cheating baby daddy, expressing what her friend accurately calls "demented thoughts" about his absence.)
But while Adam is "still in the same spot," Chelsea is embarking on an exciting career in cosmetology. It's only a matter of time before she inflicts her ratty platinum hairstyle on unsuspecting clients!
Leah's life is about to change even more radically. Or is it? Sharing the news of her engagement and pregnancy with ex-hubby Corey, "fertile Myrtle" (so dubbed by her horrified mom) starts to have second thoughts. We really hope she warned her fiancé and father of her third daughter, Jeremy, not to watch this episode, because it's no rom-com.
"I'm never going to love someone the way I loved Corey," she admits, saying "it might be a different story" if she weren't pregnant. Ouch! Then she tells Corey she's not ready to move on, and the ex-couple both acknowledge that they "still have fillings for each other." If they're talking about emotions and not dental work, that is cold. Considering her track record with romantic confusion (e.g., cheating on her ex Robbie the week before her wedding to Corey), hope she sorts this out before her second marriage.
Same with Kailyn, who can't get over baby daddy Jo, even as she's dating husband-to-be Javi. When Jo's girlfriend Vee reaches out with a friendly letter, Kail throws a fiercer temper tantrum than her 2-year-old. She later bursts into tears at her son's birthday party because she's sad that she and Jo haven't "figured out how to get along." Sorry, hon, but Jo's way ahead of you on this learning curve and passed Maturity 101 ages ago. The proof? His affable introduction to newcomer Javi, while Kail "doesn't owe him" the courtesy of meeting longtime girlfriend Vee. And while most teen mothers are raising their children alone, Kail gripes because she's afraid her son will find Jo's extended family more appealing.
Jenelle, for instance, hasn't heard from her baby daddy Andrew since Jace was born. Maybe because there was only a 50-50 chance he was actually the father? Jenelle organizes DNA tests for everyone concerned, saying, "I'm just sick of being clueless." (Come on, that's just too easy.) Pending the results of his paternity test, Andrew says via video chat that he is "99.9 percent" he is not the father. His DNA, on the other hand, is "99.9 percent" sure he is.
"This is terrible news," exclaims Jace's grandma and legal guardian, Barbara. "I could cry. Jace is going to be screwed up." (Again, too easy.)
"Mom, you can't just say he's going to be screwed up," complains Jenelle, who has more mug shots than yearbook photos and a real knack for hooking up with drug-using criminals. Andrew, however, insists he is clean but wants to get "straightened out first" before he sees his 99.9 percent confirmed offspring. Just as they are closing the Skype screen, Andrew mortifyingly says, "Love you guys!" Awkward.
"I'm not happy he's the dad because he's just so weird and mental," complains the perfectly normal, girl-next-door, who says she's determined to go to school, start her career and get Jace back. (We can't wait for season eight!)
That's it for season three, but not for the drama. Season four debuts Feb. 18, and the moms, dads and other co-stars will be back next week for an explosive two-hour special checkup with Dr. Drew Pinsky. Highlights include Grandpa Randy berating Adam, Jenelle berating Andrew, Leah sort of professing her love for both Jeremy and Corey, and Kailyn levying a bizarre accusation against Jo's girlfriend.
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