Jan. 31, 2012 at 9:18 AM ET
It's Beverly Hills, darling, where the problems come supersized, just like the bank accounts.
The three-part reunion just started, and you know it's going to be a rough night when Andy Cohen's already looking a little peaked and sporting the beginnings of a five o'clock shadow.
So what's troubling the housewives of 90210? Where to begin…
Kim Richards' rehab stay is mostly off limits since she's not there and Kyle Richards is not talking. But viewers already know Andy's going to get the scoop in a one-on-one sitdown with Kim in a couple of weeks, so all will be revealed in the end.
But with Kim out of the picture and "super slut" Brandi Glanville not showing up until the end of the show, the ladies need somebody to sink their fangs into and it happens to be Lisa Vanderpump and her "donkey booty" (it's not enhanced, FYI).
"Being in a friendship with you is like playing chess with Bobby Fisher. Every move is very calculated," Kyle says to the Brit. That sounds harsh, but it's not even the worst of it.
Adrienne Maloof seems to have the biggest beef with Lisa, which is a shame. It's not Bethenny Frankel and Jill Zarin breakup-level sad, but the two do seem fairly decent and have each tried to broker peace among the Housewives this season. Apparently, they should have been working on each other.
Adrienne's got a list of complaints starting with Lisa's crack about the Maloof hoof. The Palms hotel owner is also P.O.'d that Pandy held her bachelorette party at a competing hotel in Vegas and upset that Lisa called her dog a crackpot on Twitter.
And then there's her chef Bernie and his ongoing feud with the Villa Blanca restaurateur.
According to Adrienne, who admits she heard these accounts second hand, Lisa complained about Bernie serving Mexican food ("so ethnic") and called his cooking dry. When asked by Andy to choose a side, Adrienne refuses to side with Lisa against her lippy chef.
On top of that, she accuses Lisa of selling stories to the tabloids. It is possible, but it does seem funny to think of Lisa padding her multimillion-dollar bank account with a couple of checks for a few thousand dollars.
Regardless, Lisa is not amused. "I think that's such a f------- insult to say that to a friend. That's such a low blow ... that I've lost respect for her over this situation."
And while Russell Armstrong's death was all but ignored in the season finale, Andy pushes for answers tonight -- starting with why would Taylor Armstrong agree to be on a reality series while being in an abusive relationship.
"At some stage, I might have believed that the cameras would provide me with some protection," explains Taylor. "Because if there are cameras following me and we're public figures, then it would either have the abuse stop because he wouldn't want that aired on television or it would force us into a divorce."
As for why Russell would want to be a part of the show? Taylor diagnosis her ex as a narcissist who enjoyed the attention.
She and Lisa also revealed some of the more aggressive emails Russell sent, calling her a "whore" or the birthday message that ended with "F--- you, you psychotic b----."
It's not entirely unexpected given the abuse claims. Camille Grammer's admission that she was allegedly emotionally abused was a little more surprising. "I understand part of it, very much so. Not physically, but you're constantly being criticized for little things. Laughing too much or not laughing enough."
As for the fluffier stuff, everyone agrees Dana Wilke shouldn't have bragged about her $25,000 sunglasses. You don't talk about money or your weight, scolds Kyle.
Besides, everyone knows these women don't discuss it, they just like to spend it: Adrienne admits her home spa retails for a couple hundred thousand, Camille still has her Colorado property and the house in Hawaii, and Lisa once spent 30,000 euros (or $39,000) on a Valentino dress.
So, what did you think of part one of the reunion special? Did you appreciate the banter about their outrageous spending or were you hoping for more drama between the ladies? And while you're at it: Team Maloof or Team Vanderpump? Share your thoughts on our Facebook page.