March 16, 2014 at 7:55 AM ET
Sure, "The Walking Dead" is just a fictional show, based on a series of graphic novels, so we don’t expect a documentary. But sometimes, the basic mistakes we see the characters make on the small screen has us wanting to yell some advice at the zombie hunters of Georgia to ensure their survival. After all, the longer they stick around, the longer we get to enjoy their bloody adventures.
You need wheels, man!
In the zombie apocalypse, it’s nice to be able to travel around quickly with a car, which can also protect travelers from walkers and transport supplies back to home base. Why, then, do our survivors take such poor care of their vehicles? Hey, how about you quit idling that car, and save the limited supply of gas you’ve got? (Nice job shooting up the gas tank of your military vehicle, Eugene.) While you’re at it, CLOSE THE DOOR AFTER YOU GET OUT! See that little light in the ceiling? It’s called a dome light. When you leave the door open, it drains the battery. Dead battery equals useless car equals a longer, more dangerous journey. Think!
It's OK to be greedy
Remember the good ol’ days when people could just go shopping for necessities whenever they wanted? Hey! Survivors! Those days are gone. If you see something that could be useful, take it and fill your cart even if you don’t need it right now because you’ll likely need it later. So Carl, leave that Costco-sized vat of pudding behind. (Remember, insulin isn’t readily available in a world overrun by the undead.) Be like Bob and pick up some alcohol instead, whether it be wine, liquor or cough syrup. Booze is good for a little pick-me-up, ill times and cleaning wounds, after all. (OK, Daryl was right to smash that bottle of Peach Schnapps, but the moonshine! Sigh.) And if you’re in a country club packed with new duds, for goodness sakes, grab a variety of clothes, not just one T-shirt.
Speaking of clothes, isn’t it funny how everyone has perfectly fitted, fashionable garb? It’s as if expensive boutiques and tailors are a dime a dozen! Except, oh wait … those tailors are now zombies overrunning the stores. Even after Beth got her new (perfectly fitted) shirt splattered with zombie brains, she ended up replacing it with a cardigan that fit — yup — perfectly. And where’d Carl find another pair of shoes his size right after a walker yanked his boot right off his foot?
Speaking of looking great, Sasha sure has some beautifully curled lashes, even if her ‘do is a bit messy. And Daryl’s shaggy head of locks looks like one of those $200 stylish cuts. (Was someone in their group a high-end hairdresser before the apocalypse?)
Why aren't you covering up?
We understand it's hot in Georgia. But firefighters don't fight blazes in bikinis, and yet our intrepid heroes go out to battle walkers in sleeveless tops, dresses and other enticingly flesh-exposing attire. All that bare skin has to be like a buffet for hungry walkers, especially considering how many times the survivors are fighting hand-to-rotting-hand. We like looking at Daryl's guns as much as the next person, but couldn't this crew find their way to a sporting-goods store and stock up on some football pads?
If you get in a safe place, stay there!
Remember when the Governor met the Chambler family, living well-protected in a high-rise? They seemed to have the best setup we've seen yet in zombieworld — a safe, comfortable building, plenty of food, family together. They even had a backgammon set and seemingly endless Spaghettios. But after the loss of their patriarch, when the Governor heads out on the road, the family goes with him. Instantly, the vehicle breaks down and they're set upon by walkers. There's no place like a barricaded home, Dorothy, no place like a barricaded home.
Trust no one
Did Rick and Co. learn nothing from their run-ins with the Governor? Not everyone is as sweet as Hershel was (RIP), so please exercise a smidge of healthy skepticism. We get it. You’re bummed to lose the community you created at the formerly impenetrable prison that was your home. (Thanks a lot, Gov.)
But c’mon, Tara. You were pretty easily fooled by "Brian." Shouldn’t you know by now to at least question Abraham and his friends before taking an unconscious Glenn for a ride-along? And Daryl, we get that you’re broken by Beth’s abduction, but c’mon, man! It doesn’t take a genius to figure out those are some seriously bad dudes you’re joining up with.
And then there’s Terminus. Is everyone really so desperate to immediately replace their scattered group with a new gang of totally unknown folks? Even the name of the settlement sounds a bit sinister. "Hey! Let's go to Terminus, a word that means 'an end'!" Yeah, like maybe where people go to die.
Don't split up!
It's the No.1 rule of horror movies, gleefully broken all the time. Don't wander off, don't split up. Everyone on the show knows the dangers of being trapped alone by a walker, yet they still amble on to uncleared floors of mysterious homes, or take a solo stroll through the forest, and they're always surprised when a pack of undead turn up. The first rule of Zombie Survival School: Unless you're Daryl, who's perfectly capable of mowing down an entire town of staggering corpses with one hand, you're gonna need to stay with the group.