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Today's Fresh Blogs...| President Reassures His Hundreds of Remaining Supporters Following Routine Rectal Roto-Rootering |
| Published: July 23, 2007, 6:19 pm |
| Tags: 2007 |
| THE PRESIDENT: My fellow Americans: Yesterday, I briefly surrendered my reigns of power to Vice President Dick Cheney, on account of I had to get a colonasstomy in case the loving God who appointed me ruler changes His mind and tries to kill me with the ass cancer. I know it's uncomfortable for my adoring public to think of me, their super-macho |
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| Gut of Secretary of Homeland Security Michael Chertoff Takes Your Questions on "Ask the White House" |
| Published: July 19, 2007, 5:24 pm |
| Tags: 2007 |
| Darleen from St. George, UT writes: "Dear Mr. Secretary's Gut: My daughter attends an exclusive Christian kindergarten in our gated community. Though the facility has its own electrified razorwire fence, an alarm system, and key card controlled dead bolts on both exterior and interior doors, I have noticed that there are no bars on the windows. |
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| Note from Former White House Counsel Harriet Miers Regarding President's Order to Flip Congress the Bird |
| Published: July 13, 2007, 6:09 pm |
| Tags: 2007 |
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| President's Statement on Compassionate Decision to Commute the Cruel Sentence of Would-Be Jailhouse Bottom Scooter Libby |
| Published: July 7, 2007, 2:42 pm |
| Tags: 2007 |
| THE PRESIDENT: I want to take a moment to address my recent commutizing of the prison sentence of that great American patriot, I. Lewis Libby. I know my actions are at flip-flopping odds with all my prior statements opposing the use of my special legal powers to reward the loyalty of folks like Vice Presidential hatchet men, but well, that |
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| Independence Day 2007: President Psyches Up Iraq-Bound Troops with Pep Talk About Olden Days War We Actually Won |
| Published: July 4, 2007, 11:20 am |
| Tags: 2007 |
| THE PRESIDENT: Thank you, West Virginny! Happy 4th of July! You know, on this patriotic day of ant-infested picnics and firecracker-mangled fingers, I'm awful thrilled to be back here, in a state so red, it can't even tell it's knee-deep in the blood of all the dead hillbillies I've fed into the Vietraq meat grinder. (Applause.) No, really, |
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| President Graciously Responds to Retarded Anti-Torture Ramblings of Insolent Teenaged Nerds |
| Published: June 27, 2007, 12:38 am |
| Tags: 2007 |
| On June 25th, the solemn dignity of an East Room ceremony was rudely shattered, when 50 pimple-encrusted recipients of the Presidential Scholars medal had the audacity to abuse free speech by presenting President Bush with a traitorously subversive letter. Its mesage: "We do not want America to represent torture."Though not typically inclined to |
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| President Bush's Remarks During Dedication to Utterly Necessary Monument to Noble Red Scare Hysteria |
| Published: June 12, 2007, 6:09 pm |
| Tags: 2007 |
| THE PRESIDENT: Today, having spent over six years proactively mortgaging America to Communist China, I am awful thankful to be totally deaf to that smartypants "irony" stuff, so that I can dedicate this here "Victims of Communism" memorial without totally busting a gut. It makes me feel all warm-gloopy inside to be unveiling Washington's most |
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| President Bush Rigorously Defends Immigration Bill to His Rapidly Imploding Base of Xenophobic Crackers |
| Published: June 3, 2007, 7:56 pm |
| Tags: 2007 |
| THE PRESIDENT: Good afternoon. Today I want to take a minute to gab atcha about the new bipartisan immigration bill which I'm betting the farm will be the only part of my legacy that isn't a big sloppy shit sandwich. Now for some mysterious reason, lots of folks don't like my policy – and a big chunk of my base is even trying to get it |
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| Iraq Funding Approved: President Lauds Democrats' Courage to Stay True to Their Spineless Jellyfish Convictions |
| Published: May 28, 2007, 2:51 pm |
| Tags: 2007 |
| THE PRESIDENT: Good morning. On this Memorial Day, I'm tickled pink to announce that Congressional Democrats, after all their chest pounding and tough talk about pulling the plug on my pet abortion of a war, done went and tucked their packages between their legs – just like that creepy Silence of the Lambs tranny who does the hair pie |
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| Jerry Falwell Dead at 73: President Bush Declares National Day of Mourning for Beloved McJesus Taliban Huckster |
| Published: May 15, 2007, 7:27 pm |
| Tags: 2007 |
| appoint Wednesday, May 16, 2007, as a National Day of Mourning across the surface of God's toy ball "earth". I call on Christian peoples to assemble on that day in their Bible-believing Baptist Churches, there to pay homage to the memory of Jerry Falwell. I invite the people of the world who share our grief to join us in this solemn observance. |
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| Vice President Warns Iranian Sand Negroes Against Uppity Meddling in Their Own Country |
| Published: May 12, 2007, 8:07 pm |
| Tags: 2007 |
| THE VICE PRESIDENT: "Standing here on the deck of this glorious million ton Navy death machine, parked provocatively just off the coast of Iran, I want to coincidentally mention that those Persian loonies can forget their dream of having nuclear power. After all, who cares if Iran is as addicted to imported energy as the USA is? That kind of |
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| President Offers Gushingly Warm Welcome to Anachronistic Personification of Pompous Limey Entitlement |
| Published: May 7, 2007, 9:25 am |
| Tags: 2007 |
| THE PRESIDENT: Today, Laura and me is honored to welcome Her Royal Majesty Queen Elizabeth II, and His Royal Hineyness King Philip – who may act all sissy-submissive in public, but who everyone knows really calls the shots back at the castle. (Winks.) I want to congratulate ol' Liz here on her recent movie and Academy Award. Watching her |
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| Transcript of President's Call Reaffirming His Faith in the Competence of America's Alzheimer's Ravaged Attorney General |
| Published: April 24, 2007, 9:15 am |
| Tags: 2007 |
| THE PRESIDENT: Speedy! GONZALES: Hello? THE PRESIDENT: Speedy Gonzales! GONZALES: Ha, ha, Mr. President! That one always cracks me up. Ha, ha! The Warner Brother's Loony Tune character Speedy Gonzales, other than being a hilarious counterintuitive caricature of a slow, lazy Mexican, ALSO shares MY last name, which is ALSO Gonzales! Ha, ha! |
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| Virginia Tech Tragedy: President Bush Expresses Shocked Outrage Over Brutal Massacre He Did Not Authorize |
| Published: April 17, 2007, 2:51 am |
| Tags: 2007 |
| THE PRESIDENT: Thank you. Charlie and me have come to Blacksburg, Virginia today with hearts full of sorrow and alarm. This is a day of mourning for the Virginia Tech community, and a day of outrage and disbelief for the entire nation. But most of all, it's an awful sad day for America's poor, innocent guns – who done got their good |
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| NOW HIRING: UNITED STATES WAR CZAR |
| Published: April 15, 2007, 3:06 am |
| Tags: 2007 |
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